expectation vs. gratitude

I haven't written in a while...I've been pouring my writing efforts into a different project, but tonight, I need to let my heart pour out through my fingers, and I don't have time for my pen to catch up to my brain!

I woke up this Friday morning with a pep in my step. Dave was getting out of work at 3 (2 hours earlier than usual), and we planned to take Sammy to the pet store to get his first pet: a hermit crab (our cat doesn't count to Sammy--he says he is mean! Ha.)  He has been asking for one for a while. He is so intrigued by them, and we thought it would be a low maintenance (and cheap) fun family project! I was excited because he was excited. The day quickly turned sour. One tantrum led to another. One time out led to another. No nap turned into melt down after melt down. I lost my patience. I lost my temper. We both ended up in tears (mine in the bathroom). Needless to say, we don't have a hermit crab...we obviously weren't going to reward his behavior.

I think Shakespeare said that expectation is the root of all heartache. I expected today to be a great Friday. I lost my patience and my temper because my son didn't act the way I expected him to act. I expected to bless my son, and I was hurt that I couldn't do that for him because of the way he was acting.

As a need for independence pairs up with his strong-willed personality, Sammy can be quite a challenge sometimes. I often feel like I am doing everything wrong and that this phase will never end. As I sat in the bathroom to have a moment of peace, I immediately thought about God. How many times have I done the opposite of what He expected? How many times have I disobeyed? How many times has He intended to bless me but I walked the other way? 

And so the glaring realization that I have so much to learn...as a Christ-follower and as a mom. God has used my role as "mama" to expose some of those ugly areas of my life that wouldn't have otherwise been uncovered. So I can only have gratitude that the expected turned into the unexpected--giving me a chance to be honest with myself and with my God. The toughest days eventually bring about the greatest growth...however painful.

And as if my children haven't taught me enough, when I apologized to Sammy for losing my temper, he said, "That's ok mama. I forgive you"...without even thinking twice about it.

Tick Tock

To My Boys...

It is 3:59pm, and since you are both napping, it is silent in our home except for the sounds of the neighborhood streaming in through open windows on this perfectly beautiful day. All I can hear inside our house is the ticking sound of the clock--seconds passing by as quickly they enter. The ticking reminds me that time never stands still, never stops long enough for me to make everything perfect (whatever that looks like). I blinked, and my sweet first-born suddenly became a curious, high energy, animal-loving, dirt-seeking, question-asking, hug-giving, non-stop-talking three and half year old. I blinked again, and my fragile, pink and wrinkly second born with his little stick legs became my super chubby, unbelievably content almost four month old. I feel torn because I long for you to forever be my babies, but I find so much joy in watching you grow and change and learn and become who God intended you to be. You've changed me.

I turn 31 in two days, and I celebrate 10 years of marriage to your amazing daddy next month. I think about who I was 10 years ago, and I don't even recognize who I was--for the good. The truth is, time will keep marching. Sammy...you will all-too-soon be off to Kindergarten, and my Eli, you will eventually be as curious as your big brother and will undoubtedly need me less. Our house will get messier instead of neater. The laundry piles in the basement and dishes in the sink will double. More stains will be added to the carpet. I will step on a hundred more plastic dinosaurs and Mr. Potato Head pieces and will have to bite my tongue a hundred more times before letting an obscenity slip out when this happens! I will have to "shout out" more stains, and more pants with holes will be added to the "for playing outside only" pile. I will definitely be saying "don't put that in your mouth," "what in the world," and "I can't believe you just did that" a thousand more times. More Play Doh will be eaten behind my back and candy hiding places will continue to be discovered.

But more memories will also be made. More laughter will spill from our open windows out into the street. More playgrounds will be climbed on. More sand castles will be built. More dandelions will be called beautiful and picked just for me. We will continue to dig in the dirt in search or worms and potato bugs together. We will write with sidewalk chalk until we're covered in it. We will eat ice cream and licorice. We will read "On Top of Spaghetti" over and over. We will "see" hippos in the creeks we walk along, elephants at the playground, and lions at the grocery store. We will have popcorn at nana's house and help papa with his tools and ride his lawn mower. You will both squeal with delight when it is time to go to church, and you'll light up when you see Lucas, Alicia ("Sheesha"), Megan, Debbie, or any of the several people who love you both and will pour into your lives over the years to come...

...And I will soak in every tick of the second hand because all-too-soon you will be walking along the creek dreaming of tomorrow instead of seeing hippos, you'll be reading history books and solving math equations at the dining room table instead of begging me to read a colorful and catchy picture book, and you'll be picking a wild flower bouquet for some sweet girl that you've fallen in love with instead of picking beautiful weeds for me!

Growing Pains...

21 Days of Prayer for Sons Challenge

I have been participating in the 21 Days of Prayer for Sons Challenge. I started this anticipating that it would be a nice thing to do for the boys, but I wasn't prepared for how much it would change me. Reading the book and the blog, writing out the verses for each day with the boys' names inserted, going through the study questions--it has all rocked my world and has greatly impacted how I see myself as a mom--especially a mom of boys. It has exposed so many areas where I have missed the mark and has revealed to me how much I really try to do everything by my own power and under my own control. God is using this challenge to show me how much I need to grow as a mom, and it is painful--in a good way.

Ann Voskamp said, "A mother's labor and delivery never ends and for years she just has to remember to take a deep breath.Whole battles can be won by one breath and a prayer at a time." The way my children have taken a hold of my heart often takes my breath away. The immense joy and unconditional love paired with the feelings of worry and (sometimes) guilt really does feel like the highs and lows of giving birth over and over again. And in the midst of raising two boys into men, God is raising me into a mother, and the growing process can be painful at times. My sons have been a magnifying glass for my soul--exposing my greatest strengths and, even more so, my greatest weaknesses.

I am learning to breath deeply and to pray like I have never prayed before. I pray for my sons, that they would be men of honor and integrity--that their hearts would beat passionately for the God who numbered the hairs on their heads, and that they would have hearts that are pure and willing to serve the needs of others. And I pray that I would be a mother who lives in such a way that honors Christ and points her children in His direction.

Jason Upton sings "No Sacrifice," and I never thought of the lyrics in regard to my kids, but God is showing me--really showing me--what it means to completely surrender to Him, and that means giving up the control I try to hold on to as a mom. My boys are His-past, present, and future. Period.

No Sacrifice -- Jason Upton

More Abundantly...

I'm not a very good blogger. I know this. I write sporadically and inconsistently. Even though one of my greatest passions is writing, I find it really difficult to keep up on here. I do, however, keep up with writing in "old-fashioned" journals. (I have a couple different ones going--one for the boys, one for things God is teaching me, etc.) There is something about reading back over my own physical writing, as if my handwriting is a part of retelling the stories that were written. It seems that the curve of my "s" or the color of my pen will somehow give deeper clues about what I was feeling when I wrote the words. (I am one of those people, too, who is resistant to buying a Kindle or Nook because I love the feel of a real book in my hands--being able to write in the margins and highlight profound and impressionable passages. I love the conveniences of technology but equally loathe how it has stripped many simplicities of life, but I digress!)

In the middle of reading One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp, I started my own gift list. In writing down some things for today's list, I went back and read what I wrote on the very first pages of the leather bound journal my dear friend Alicia bought for me. Here is the entry from February 25, 2012:

Today-this morning-was rough. Sam (age 3) was whiny and ready to melt down at every chance. Eli (one month) decided to fight sleep. Sammy peed all over the couch while Eli was screaming. My response? I burst into tears. I tried to hide it from Sammy, but he's a pretty sharp kid and he quickly asked, "Mama, are you crying because I peed?" At that moment, I knew I needed to change. I knew I wanted more for my kids--for myself--than them having a mother who turned every difficult moment into fear, anxiety, or a reason to worry. I was, at that moment, overcome with motherhood (especially my toddler having a difficult time adjusting to the new baby), but I was also tired of living in a pessimistic, over-analytical, self-reliant, controlling shell of a person. I want to live fully in Christ so my children will know what it means to have life more abundantly.


The following pages contain my "gift list"--those moments, experiences, people, and things that are gifts from the Father. In creating this list of 1,000+ gifts, I desire a heart transformation and a greater, deeper communion with the One who first loved me.

And so began a journey toward complete surrender, daily gratitude, and deep communion with a God I have longed to know--to really know. Over the last two months, I have been changed, and similar to gutting an old house, I kind of feel like I am stripped down to the studs at the moment--everything exposed--no hiding the termites that are trying to destroy the walls of my heart. Even though it is painful, it is a great place to be. I am excited about where God is taking me--where he is taking my family--wherever that may be.

A sample of my gift list:
1. Fresh air streaming through open windows on a first spring-like day.
2. Newborn smiles
4. Sammy crawling into our bed and, still sleepy, searching for my hair to twist while he sleeps.
7. Eli's long eye lashes
23. Unprompted "I love you" from Sam
28. The beginning of a dream and excitement about where this dream may lead.

So Final.

My friend Kristen sent me a text yesterday. A young girl is pregnant and in need. Kristen was asking if we would be able to give away some baby things since Dave and I are done having kids (something we've made clear!). I was all for it! I always knew when we were done that I wanted to give it all away to bless someone as much as we have been blessed. Dave sent me a cautionary text: "Are you sure you're ready to give it all away? It seems so final." I hadn't really thought about anything except for the fact that we knew--after bringing home Eli--that we were done--for several reasons.

This morning I have been organizing things in Eli's room in an effort to find matching shirts that I bought the boys long before Eli was born!! I started looking around and thought about just giving it all away. Dave was right...it was so final. Part of me enjoys the quiet feedings at 3 am, even though I'm pretty sure the exhaustion at that hour must be similar to being drunk or intoxicated! Haha! I look at the pictures we have hanging all over the house and realize these two little faces that are part me and part Dave are concrete proof of well over a decade of love that only God could have created. They are a legacy of a friendship turned romance turned partners in raising a family that will hopefully light the world on fire for Christ. Are we ready to close the curtain? My brain emphatically says YES! I think my heart will always wonder WHAT IF...Hopefully the two can come to a consensus some time soon!

True Confessions of a Mom

When I was in college, in mid-western Springfield, Missouri, my floor-mates and I would entertain ourselves by playing a game of "True Confessions". We would sit in a circle on one of our door room floors and each write a few probing questions on slips of paper. We would then take turns answering these questions--some silly, some serious, some down right ridiculous--all in an effort to not only amuse ourselves, but to also get to know one another on a deeper level. I sometimes miss living in those days of complete transparency.

A friend of mine brought lunch over last week, and we got on a discussion about motherhood. We began talking about the sometimes challenging moments of raising a toddler--especially those moments in public when all you want to do is run and hide when your child decides to become a monster right before your eyes--and right before the eyes of everyone in Target! This discussion got me thinking: if every mom has these moments, why aren't we more supportive of one another and transparent with one another? Instead, we stare, we judge, we accuse, and we assume.

So...after reading the words of Ann Voskamp this morning, I have been inspired to confess some of the reasons why my home isn't perfect and why I am not the perfect mom:

1.  I rarely fold laundry (with the exception of kid clothes because they are so tiny and so easy to lose track of). It is sorted in baskets in the laundry room. It is clean. But, I confess, it hardly ever gets folded. We dig for what we want to wear. We "fluff" it in the drier to get the wrinkles out (or sometimes iron in extreme cases).
2. I dust when it is visible...usually when I walk into a room and the sun hits the bookshelf just right--that is when I dust.
3. My 3 yr. old goes to bed without brushing his teeth sometimes. If he is having a rough night or it is late, it gets forgotten. (This one makes me feel pretty guilty, I admit).
4. I confess that one time, while at the zoo, Sammy went through so many diapers that I ran out and had to put a used one (pee only) back on him until we got home.
5. My over 3 yr. old still isn't fully potty trained. I include this on the list because there seems to be a race among moms over who can get their kid potty trained at the youngest age. My son knows all the letters, their sounds, can read a few words, knows his colors, yada, yada, yada, but he won't poop on the potty. Big deal. He'll get it when he is ready just like all kids will know their letters and colors at some point. Development isn't a race.
6. I feed my son pizza once a week probably (store bought or homemade). He is pretty picky these days...I need one meal without a battle.
7. I often forget to wipe down the booster seat after dinner. It is usually caked with yogurt or sauce for a couple days until I realize how messy it really is.
8. Sometimes there are so many goldfish (or other cracker variety) scattered inside the car (even though I swore I would never let my kids eat in the car--haha.) that I will catch Sammy snacking on an old treat. Sigh.

The list could go on, but I should probably end here. My point is, no mom is perfect and very few homes--at least the ones where kids are being raised and loved on--look like a carbon copy of some magazine spread or department store showroom. I do know that I love my kids with a love that overflows and makes me weepy and happy and in awe of the God who thought it right and good to put two little boys in my care.

True Confessions?...

Twenty years from now, I want my kids to have learned how to love others--their friends, their wives, their children, strangers--because they first saw it reflected in me and Dave. They won't remember the crumbs. They won't remember the unfolded laundry. They will remember the love.

 "Sin is what happens when our love gets disordered. And it’s never worth disordering the heart to get a right-ordered house...How is my love ordered? Towards a Better Homes and Gardens House? Or a better, holy, godly heart?...A right-ordered house isn’t virtuous like a right-ordered heart" -Voskamp

"We love because He first loved us." 1 John 4:19

A Strong Woman and a Thankful Heart

It is unfortunate that you have to wait until you're an adult (and to possibly have children of your own) before you realize the true value of your parents. I take immense pride in my parents because they didn't raise us on good breeding, social status, or a fine inheritance. They are two people, without college educations (barely high school diplomas), who have provided for our family from the ground up. At one point, when I was in high school, I remember my mom working three jobs to make ends meet, and my dad has always worked the dreaded night shift. BUT...they were involved in every concert, dance recital, youth retreat, birthday party, graduation, and they continue to do the same for their grandchildren (even more so!). They weren't raised in the church, either. They were "saved" after my sister was born, and so their parenting style was strict because they knew, first hand, what temptations were waiting around every corner for us. I didn't appreciate it then, but as I look back, I realize all the harm my parents kept me from.

In recent years, my mother's health has deteriorated. She had a stroke a few years back, followed by cancer, serious pneumonia that put her in the hospital for almost a week, as well as numerous other medical complications that have resulted from all of these events. Her lungs are scanned periodically for cancer, and her brain is checked regularly for signs of another stroke. It isn't easy to sit by and watch your parents age. I've always, always, always looked forward to my parents as grandparents because I didn't really have involved grandparents. My parents, as strict as they were as parents, are anything but as grandparents. Sammy gets ice cream, cookies, candy, movies, toys...you name the thing that parents generally say "no" to, and my parents provide it! My mom has lost about 35 pounds in the last two months or so. Normally, this would be something to rejoice over--my mom has struggled with her weight all of her life. However, this weight loss is because of the overwhelming stress of her job. My dad is months away from retirement, and my mom is still two years away; however, her doctor told her that if she doesn't leave this job, she will most definitely have a heart attack. So, with faith, my mother put in her resignation this week, and she will start a new job in December. She is taking a 50% pay cut with this job, but it will be a job that will probably save her life.

It is interesting being on this side of life. I appreciate that my parents never hide every single problem from us. We saw them fight. We saw them struggle financially. We watched them prosper, and we've watched as they have gotten older and had to make difficult choices. I thank God that He continues to prove that He is in control. I thank God for parents who put their faith in a God who sees the whole picture. I pray He continues to keep them, and I pray he blesses this incredibly strong mother of mine. My mother is a feisty combination of tell-it-like-it-is and complete love, and I never really appreciated that until recently.

And so...as Thanksgiving approaches, I will end this post with an attempt to list some of the things that leave me speechless.

I am GRATEFUL for...

1. Parents who I still learn from and respect, yet I feel at this point in my life are "friends"
2. An older sister--and best friend--who is a constant example of humility and strength
3. A husband whose heart is so big, it may jump out of his chest! I thank God that, despite all that Dave has been through in his life, he has a heart that is modeled after the heart of Christ. I learn from him every day.
4. My (almost) two children :) God has used them to teach me more than I will ever be able to teach them. God has used motherhood to reveal a lot of Himself and a lot of who I am and who I should strive to be. I am proud of my family, and I am excited about raising two courageous men :)
5. My mother-in-law...the kindest, sweetest, most loving, most forgiving woman you will ever meet. She makes Mother Theresa look like an average Joe! Haha!
6. My job...I am blessed, though some days are really hard, to work in a place that gives me so much joy in the midst of many storms. Even on the most difficult days, I am able to see what God sees in some of the most hate-filled, angry, broken teenagers you've ever met. It is a miracle to look into a teen's eyes--one who has seen death, murder, abandonment, abuse--and see what God sees. God has really shown me His ability to move in the darkest situations. You really lose all sense of inward thinking when you work in an environment that has so much need. It has really changed my life--though the daily grind can sometimes be challenging.
7. For a Savior who continues to bring me through valley and mountain-top experiences--I thank God that He has brought me to a point in life where I've realized that it has nothing to do with where I am, who I am with, or what I am doing. It has to do with Him--wherever I go, whatever I do, whomever I am with--am I drawing people to His glory?!

Happy Thanksgiving!

One little boy's obsession...

Every parent, whether they seem fit or not in the eyes of others, has dreams for his or her children. I watch Sammy play and feel my second born move inside, and I wonder what the future holds for these two boys...I wonder what plan God has for their lives. I can dream a thousand dreams for my children, but God knows the passion He has planted inside both of them.

As pastor spoke about Nehemiah and believing in the impossible and the burdens God gives us, I began to think about my two year old and his passion for wild animals. The other day, while he sat and played with his lion, elephant, and giraffe, he looked at Dave and I and declared that he wanted to go to Africa! I didn't know Sammy even knew Africa existed--I'm sure he heard about it on one of his National Geographic shows. I can't help but wonder, as a parent with great dreams for my children, if this little boy's obsession with the wild is the beginning of a greater plan that God will one day carry out in Sammy's life for His glory? Maybe he will work for animal conservation, maybe he will work to feed the hungry, maybe he will be a missionary to some distant tribe in the savannah.

Whatever my children become...whatever path they take...whatever job they do, I pray that God would birth in them a passion that is driven by bringing Him glory. And I pray that Dave and I are examples of that passion lived out on a daily basis...in our workplaces, in our home, in our church, and in our community.

I Love...

A long weekend spent with family can only bring feelings of gratitude. So...in the midst of a little chaos, uncertainty, and messiness that life can sometimes bring, I choose to dwell on the things I love about this life.

I LOVE...

...when Sammy plays with my hair while Dave prays before bed time.
...(though sometimes annoying and borderline obsessive) Sammy's incessant chatter about random wild animals and being an animal rescuer.
...my mother's random phone calls.
...that my niece and nephew, though 6+ years older than Sammy, get SO excited to see him and love to play with him.
...picking apples fresh from the tree.
...staying up late planning a budget with my hubby, and having him look to me afterward and say, "I am so glad I get to be on this journey with you."
...moments of potty training success...yes...moments. He is slowly but surely giving up the security of his beloved diapers.
...TUMS...such relief after a delicious meal of lasagna.
...how my dad answers the phone saying "what it be...where it at?" when I call because he thinks I will think it is funny because I work in "the hood"!
...my cat.
...day dreaming about what this next little boy will look like and be like.
...leaves changing colors, pumpkins, and cinnamon sugar donuts.
...feeling my baby move inside and watching my belly move on the outside.
...that God is bringing me through a spiritual valley so I can grow and know Him on a deeper level.
...that nothing in my house really matches and that my toddler's artwork is randomly taped all over doors and walls.
...(in a weird way) stains in and crumbs on the carpet. Though they often drive me nuts, I was reminded this weekend that they are proof that my house may not be perfect, but it is a home.
...my job--even though I feel more like a prison guard than a teacher some days, I know teaching is my secondary purpose.
...when Sammy asks, "where did our friends go" after we drop kids off after church.
...listening to Sammy recite "If You See a Mouse" from memory.
...listening to Sammy "read" a book by starting "once upon a time..." and then make up the story according to the pictures :)
...seeing my dad light up when he sees his grandkids.
...watching my sister take a risk.
...finding a Halloween costume that captures Sammy's character (but slightly sad that this will probably be the last year I will have complete control over this choice in my son's life).
...when Dave makes me laugh over the most ridiculous things.
...that my parents (unlike their parents--my grandparents) embrace being nana and papa. Sammy knows he can simply ask, and nana will give him stove popped popcorn, ice cream, tv, or chocolate milk and papa will give him a ride on the riding lawn mower, will take him in the basement to turn on all of his fancy machines, or will play hide-and-seek! Sammy never wants to leave their house, and I love that he has that (with Dave's mom too!)
...living in Buffalo. Although NYS is corrupt and sooooo expensive to live in, it is home. I love the people, the food (haha), and my life here.
...Sammy's new-found love for music...though not sure how I feel about his love for the drums.
...sun after a lot of rain and rain when things get a little dry.
...television shows that don't rot my brain or corrupt my spirit but make me think about my own life and what I believe (Dr. Edwards would be so proud).
...when my husband washes the dishes.
...that my husband is not obsessed with making Sammy love sports.
...trying new recipes (not sure how Dave feels about it, but I think it is fun!)
...handwritten love notes.
...the frame in our bedroom that says, "Make time for quiet moments as God whispers and the world is loud." Learning to be still...
...dwelling on all the things I have in this life that often get clouded by all the distractions and clutter.

Hats Off to Single Parents...

Dave has been on a business trip to Boston for a few days now, and he comes home Friday. I miss my partner in crime. Though many of our usual hours during the week are spent apart, there is comfort in the time we spend together in the evenings, talking, cuddling, making plans, encouraging one another, laughing, cooking dinner together, etc. Sammy has been so sweet and cooperative and my parents have spoiled me by inviting me over for dinner, but nothing compares to having him to lean on. I thought about it while driving to work today: single parents are the real heroes. Men and women who, everyday, do everything on their own...the discipline, the reading, the bath time, the teaching, the cooking, the cleaning, the play time--all of it. At 5 months pregnant, taking care of Sammy on my own for less than a week has been a little tough (especially when you can't really lift a 35 lb. toddler), but that doesn't even remotely compare to what many moms and dads do on their own on a daily basis.

I'm thankful for a supportive husband who gives 100% to his family, but, more importantly, praying for all the single parents who sacrifice so much more than I am required to on a daily basis.

Raising Boys...

The first thing the sonogram tech asked was "Do you want to know what it is?" Before she even finished the sentence, I blurted out, "Oh, yes!" Dave and I, and everyone else in our lives (except Dave's grandmother), was convinced we were having a girl. This pregnancy has been drastically different, I look different with this one, and all of the old wives tales performed (with or without my permission) claimed there was a girl growing inside of me. I liked the idea of having a daughter. I would always stop by the girl's section at Target and take a glimpse at the cute dresses, and we picked out a name that we were in love with. Despite all of this, I never put out of my mind the idea of another little boy :)

The tech started with her routine measurements, which seemed to take forever, but Dave and I enjoyed watching all of the little somersaults and movements. Finally the tech exclaimed, "Guess what? It's a boy!" Neither of us reacted--not out of a disappointment, but out of shock that our very certain minds had been wrong (imagine that)! After she announced our little boy and made sure we were certain by zooming in on the obvious part, she had trouble getting measurements of the spine because our little guy was curled up in such a ball. She asked me to take a walk and go empty my bladder to see if that would help (which it eventually did). I went into the bathroom and immediately cried. I promise you I wasn't crying out of disappointment, but I was crying for Dave. He didn't act disappointed. Quite the opposite. However, a part of me wanted him to experience what I have with my dad...that father/daughter bond that I don't even understand sometimes. Even more, I knew he would make a great dad to a little girl. He would teach her what it means to be loved and respected in a world that is full of young girls looking for love in all the wrong places. Beyond that, I felt guilt...guilt that I would have another little boy pulling at my "apron strings"! Weird, I know, but these were the things flooding my mind. I wasn't upset about not being able to buy pink or have shopping trips or spa days, and part of me knew or felt--long before I had children--that I was made to raise boys. I did feel overwhelming guilt that my hubby wasn't getting his special little girl. Again...so weird, I know. (Those confused need to know that we are planning on having only two children--no matter what the gender. I am not God, I know. But that is the Neiss plan, hence, the guilt. We both agree that trying for a third simply to try for a specific gender is silly. If we have a third, it will be because we want to have another child, not because we want a girl.)

I collected myself and quickly went back into the room. As she continued the sonogram, I was in awe. She switched over to the 3D images, and I immediately fell in love with this new little man. His nose is just like Sammy's and his arms and legs were all over the place! He kept opening and closing his mouth like he was trying to make little baby noises! It was so amazing. Dave grabbed my hand and squeezed it, and at that moment, all feelings of guilt flew out the door. Raising boys is God's plan for us (for the moment, since I can't see tomorrow ;), and I am so excited for the future. Football games, worn out knees on pants, grass stains, youth group pranks, and watching them--by the grace of God--grow into men who fear the Lord and live to serve Him. And what better role model than Dave? (And my dad now has three sons that he never had!)

I can't wait to meet our new little guy, but in the mean time, I am enjoying every single moment of this pregnancy. I am amazed by God's power and grace, and I continue to be in awe of Him--especially as a little life moves within, and even when I am tired and run-down.

Psalm 139:13-16...just amazing.

¹³ For you created my inmost being;
   you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
¹⁴ I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
   your works are wonderful,
   I know that full well.
¹⁵ My frame was not hidden from you
   when I was made in the secret place,
   when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
¹⁶ Your eyes saw my unformed body;
   all the days ordained for me were written in your book
   before one of them came to be.

Surrender...

We started a study on surrender in youth group tonight. It started me thinking, "what does it  REALLY mean to surrender?"

Webster defines surrender as "to give up completely or agree to forgo especially in favor of another." 

The first part of that definition seems like a no-brainer. If you surrender, you give up something. The last part of the definition is what hit me: especially in favor of another. When we surrender all we are--everything we have: our material possessions, our dreams, our families, our fears, our anxieties--to Christ, we aren't just giving something up, we are giving those things up in favor of Christ. We are choosing Him over those things that keep us running like hamsters on a wheel. 

The  next question may be...what then when we choose to surrender...what happens next?

It will be interesting to see where this study goes because this is SO much easier said than done.

The First Day...

The first day back to school, always difficult for a thousand reasons, always reminds me that I am exactly where God intended me to be. Hugs from students (many feeling the need to rub my new belly), new students asking me to name my unborn child after them (haha), news students from all over the world, colleagues who encourage and provide humor, typically "bad" kids running through the door on time on the first day because even though they are obnoxious and filled with hate at times--they know they are loved and safe, a chance to start over and see kids through new lenses, an opportunity not often given in other districts or areas of the country to share Jesus and be his hands and feet in a public school...I am a blessed woman. I explained to Sammy that I was going to teach some big kids today, and he said, "have fun mama!" He, in turn, was cared for by two amazing women. He walked out of Marie's house with his dinosaur bookbag, beaming and excited to tell me that he got a book baggy to bring home today! Is my life conventional? Not by any means! Do I love what God is doing in my life and in my family's life (though not always what I would choose or the way I would choose)? Definitely. I know there will be challenging days ahead. I know there will be mornings when Sammy is not-so compliant and days when students (and administrators) make me question why I chose teaching in the first place. But I am forever grateful that God continues to open doors that I would NEVER have opened and continues to close the ones I try to break my way through.

So far a great start to a new school year...

...just as Christ also loved the church...

Ephesians 5:25-27 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her; 26 that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, 27 that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she should be holy and blameless.

I've been to soooooo many weddings when this set of verses is casually read--mine included. I know I didn't totally understand what it meant nine years ago (thought I did), but I am privileged to be married to a man who lives these verses out on a daily basis.

While reading the other day, I came across a statement that brings about a simple interpretation of these verses: "The goal of love is not just kindness motivated by a desire to make your wife happy. The goal is to build her up to bring about God’s purpose in her." 

I have realized over the last couple of years--especially with the added stress of a child (almost children)--that I have married a man that not only exemplifies Christ, but who also makes it his goal to make me a better person and develop who God made me to be. He is slow to anger, the most patient person I have ever met, extraordinarily humble, and loves me with a true love--a love that isn't afraid to correct me when I am wrong or encourage me when I am in a slump. He is respected by those around him, not because he lives in a popular way, but because he lives each and every minute with integrity--always putting others before himself and ALWAYS thinking long and hard before he speaks.

Bottom line: I love that my husband loves Jesus more than he loves me, and I love that my husband wants me--he urges me--to love Jesus more than I love him. Even more, he lives in such a way that draws me closer to Jesus.

Now, who needs a big house and fancy things when you come home to that every day?

Yum! The Humongous Appetite of a Pregnant Woman...

This is so random and out of the ordinary compared to what I normally write about, but I have to write about my appetite with this pregnancy. I have never in my  life felt like such a glutton!!! When I was pregnant with my first, I pretty much ate two things: fruit and cereal. With this one, I feel like a bottomless pit. Below is the list of random foods that I crave...the grocery store for me right now is like the liquor store for an alcoholic--I just need to stay away.

-Starburts (or any chewy, fruit-flavored candy)
-Soup (I can't get enough--doesn't matter what kind--I just want soup)
-Ramen Noodles (fairly new craving, but so good)
-Ice Cream (do I really need to explain?)
-English Muffins (super toasted)
-Bologna (don't judge me...I just really, really want bologna on a roll with mustard. I've only had it once so far, but the craving is always there! Ha!)
-Hot chocolate with whipped cream
-Orange juice
-Fruit (which I may not be able to count as a craving because pregnant or not, it is my favorite thing to eat)
-Cereal (Multi-grain Cheerios, Honey Bunches of Oats, and Rice Crispies being my favorites)
-Eggs (I REALLY want them "over easy"--with the runny yolk, but I am afraid of the dangers for the baby, so I have settled for scrambled)
-"Chicken in a Pita" (I only had it once at the Eden Corn festival, but it was SO good that I can't stop thinking about it!!)
-Pretzel Bites with cheese
-Nachos

Yep...and I haven't gained a pound yet, though I try to balance all of these "cravings" with sensible things! Along with this laundry list of favorites, I have experienced acne again for the first time in a long time--Clean and Clear is my new best friend (though it doesn't seem to be working). I have worn my hair in a pony tail most days this summer--partly because I need a hair cut and mostly because my hair is like straw!  I am still battling fatigue, although I am pretty sure that won't subside with a two-almost three-year old and starting back to work full time next week. I've felt tiny movements here or there, but nothing too obvious. I am much more laid back with this pregnancy...much of the stress that comes with being a first time mom is behind me at this point. My biggest anxiety is helping Sammy transition. He will be over three by the time the baby comes, and he is very verbal and very aware of what is going on around him. He has become a bit aggressive over the last few weeks and really wants little to do with the idea of sharing his life and everything in it with another child (though how can a 2 year old really fathom something that isn't there?)!! I am also really hoping to have him potty trained by then. We thought he was ready to potty train a few months back--he was going sporadically and responding to positive reinforcement--but he has since lost interest. I am told this is very normal (by the doctor and friends), and kids--especially boys--will suddenly have interest and potty train over night. It was my goal to have him out of diapers well before the next one arrives, so we shall see what the fall brings...

I am definitely enjoying myself even though this pregnancy seems to be very different from my first. I look forward to the coming weeks and months...only a little over two weeks until we (hopefully) find out if it will be a brother or sister for Sammy :)

Corn and God's Faithfulness...

We are heading to the Eden Corn Festival later on today. Why is this noteworthy, you may ask? The Eden Corn Festival is held the first weekend of August each year. Last year, as we drove to this festival, Dave got a phone call that resulted in a lay off and six months without a job. I remember the "punch-in-the-gut" feeling as we drove on Interstate 90 and heard a sweet woman say, "I'm sorry to bother you on a Friday night David, but I have some bad news..." The funny thing is, I remember having a lot of fun that night...eating corn on the cob, playing games, and yes, eating deep fried cheesecake! I also remember the weeks and months that followed...a moment in the desert waiting for the manna to fall. As I look back over the last year, I feel SO unworthy of the point to which God has brought us. I remember feeling angry and scared, and just like the Israelites, began grumbling. So as we head to the festival tonight, with my ever expanding belly (that I can't believe is expanding so fast) and my little second born fluttering inside, I will reflect on the God who is the same yesterday, today, and forever. He is the same God who was with us when we heard that news, and he is the same God who is watching over the baby in my womb. He remains unchanged even though I do not. He remains faithful when I am full of doubt. He gives and takes away...still I will say blessed be His name...

Let it Begin With Me...

If I take the wings of the morning
and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
even there your hand shall lead me,
and your right hand shall hold me. Psalm 139: 9,10

Psalm 139 has to be my favorite Psalm. I could really identify with it when I was pregnant, and as I watch my son grow and change, God's beautiful and unfolding plan continues to fascinate me. In last 7 months or so, I have gone through an interesting period in my walk with Christ...going from extreme mountain top experiences to even more extreme valley and desert moments. In the midst of it all, I have felt God's peace that truly passes all understanding.

Every other Friday we have youth group...a fun night of small groups, gym time, games, and, of course, food! This past Friday night, the teaching was on burdens. I was unprepared for what occurred as our small group discussion began. I started out with a group of three girls, but we stumbled upon another group of seven girls  who were with my good friend Alicia, so we joined in. This was no accident. As we began our discussion on burdens, the question was asked, "what burdens do teenagers typically carry?" Silence. We eventually pulled some cliche answers out of them like "friends, school, etc." Feeling a little uncomfortable with the silence, we probed further. "Can any of you share a burden you might have?" Alicia quickly noticed one girl's mood change, so she questioned further. This young eighth grade girl, with such maturity and poise, began to pour out her heart about her parent's broken relationship. She shared about their history of nasty and angry fighting, and with tears streaming, told us that they had been to see a divorce lawyer that afternoon. As she vulnerably opened her heart to the group, four girls sobbed around our circle. Another girl began to share about her father who left her family long ago.  Two girls continued to sob and were unwilling to confide in the group. Alicia and I looked at one another, stunned. In the fellowship hall of little church on the east side of Buffalo, ten broken and burden-filled girls sat and longed for more...for more than broken families, for more than shouldering way more than a 12 or 13 year old should, for more than carrying secrets and regret. Gosh...I love how Jesus works. No fancy worship service. No powerful sermon. No flashy programs. Just four brick walls, Jesus, ten girls in need of a Savior, and two willing vessels. We prayed over the girls, and eight of them rejoined the boys and other girls in the sanctuary for the closing.

But there were still two girls who needed more. Alicia and I followed them into the bathroom where they continued to sit and cry, unwilling to share but desperate for someone to care. Without a thought, Alicia and I sat on the cold bathroom floor. After some silence, one girl shared about her parents volatile relationship. She told us that last summer her dad went down south to get away and to take care of his mother. While there, he suffered kidney failure and died, and she never saw him again. This twelve year old girl sat and spoke of such painful regret. The other girl finally felt comfortable sharing, and she poured her heart out about being a foster child and never having met her parents. Alicia and I shared about a God who loves them...about a Father who ordained every day of their lives. I quoted and explained parts of Psalm 139.

I was forever changed while sitting on that cold and nasty bathroom floor! When we walked out of the bathroom, I saw Sammy running around entertaining all of the teenagers like he loves to do. I couldn't help but think, will he ever realize...will he ever know how blessed he is? I pray that as he grows up in our care, he sees love in action, not simply in word. He has amazed us over the last few months with all that he has learned and is able to do. He knows the alphabet, all the letter sounds, can count to 20, etc., etc., etc. Like any parent, I am proud of every little thing he does, but no matter what he does or does not do and no matter what talents he has or doesn't have, I pray that he knows how to love others with the love of a God who ordained every moment of his life before one of them came to be. Let's face it: "If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing."...may this be our greatest lesson for our son, and let it begin with me.

(Rotten) fruits of my spirit...

On a day when I lost patience, let my anger get the best of me, and had a hard time finding a way to love the unlovable, I stumbled across the following passage in one of my devotional books. It is quoted from Max Lucado's When God Whispers Your Name:

"In a few moments the day will arrive. It will roar down the track with the rising of the sun. The stillness of the dawn will be exchanged with the noise of the day. The calm of solitude will be replaced by the pounding of the human race. The refuge of the early morning will be invaded by decisions to be made and deadlines to be met.

For the next twelve hours I will be exposed to the day's demands. It is now that I must make a choice. Because of Calvary, I'm free to choose. And so I choose.

I CHOOSE LOVE...
No occasion justifies hatred; no injustice warrants bitterness. I choose love. Today I will love God and what God loves.

I CHOOSE JOY...
I will invite my God to be a God of circumstance. I will refuse the temptation to by cynical...the tool of the lazy thinker. I will refuse to see people as anything less than human beings, created by God. I will refuse to see any problem as anything less than and opportunity to see God.

I CHOOSE PEACE...
I will live forgiven. I will forgive so that I can live.

I CHOOSE PATIENCE...
I will overlook the inconveniences of the world. Instead of cursing the one who takes my place, I'll invite them to do so. Rather than complain that the wait is too long, I will thank God for a moment to pray. Instead of clinching my fist at a new assignments, I will face them with joy and courage.

I CHOOSE KINDNESS...
I will be kind to the poor, for they are alone. Kind to the rich, for they are afraid. And kind to the unkind, for such is how God has treated me.

I CHOOSE GOODNESS...
I will go without a dollar before I take a dishonest one. I will be overlooked before I boast. I will confess before I accuse. I choose goodness.

I CHOOSE FAITHFULNESS...
Today I will keep my promises. My debtors will not regret their trust. My associates will not question my word. My husband will not question my love. And my children will not fear that their mother will not come home.

I CHOOSE GENTLENESS...
Nothing is won by force. I choose to be gentle. If I raise my voice, may it be only in praise. If I raise my fist, may it be only in prayer. If I make a demand, may it be only of myself.

I CHOOSE SELF-CONTROL...
I am a spiritual being...After this body is dead, my spirit will soar. I refuse to let what will rot, rule the eternal. I choose self-control. I will be drunk only by joy. I will be impassioned only by my faith. I will be influenced only by God. I will be taught only by Christ. I choose self-control.

...To these I commit my day. If I succeed, I will give thanks. If I fail, I will seek grace. And then, when this day is done, I will place my head on my pillow and rest."

The Battle

I walked into the office, signed in as usual, walked out the office door and headed toward my classroom. Before I got to the stairwell, I passed by one of my former students-now a junior. She was smiling as usual and quickly said hello, but soon after she walked by she said, "Hey Mrs. Neiss, did you know I was going to have twins?" I have been doing this job long enough for "was" to be the first word to hit my ears. I was already in my classroom and onto the day's tasks in my mind, but I quickly gave this young girl my undivided attention. "What do you mean by was?" The answer to my question was obvious, but I needed to hear her say it. I needed to see the look in her eyes. "I didn't have a choice" was her response. I stood before her at that moment, not just as a teacher, but also as a mom--someone who has felt life stir inside of her--and as someone who puts her hope and faith in the One who created those little lives. She went on to tell me that her parents wouldn't have it any other way. I spent a few moments listening--without comment or judgment. She had such a juvenile expression on her face--so innocent--like she was simply telling me what she did over the weekend. She ended the conversation by telling my the cadillac of prescriptions she is now on to fight off possible infections and to speed healing. We parted ways and I headed to my classroom stunned. In my seven years teaching in this environment, I've seen a lot. I've seen students die before the diploma even has a chance to reach their hands. I've seen students locked up for life because of one bad choice. I've seen pure anger and hate in 14, 15, 16-year old eyes. This time I sat at my desk and cried and had a quiet funeral in my heart for those two little lives. I stared at all the empty desks and mourned. All of the garbage I have seen and have heard about and have witnessed in my short teaching career came flooding back to me like a nightmare. Then Ephesians 6:12 came to mind: "For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms." I usually spend the twenty minutes or so before homeroom grading papers or going over lessons, but instead I took some time to put on the armor of God. I sat in my empty room and focused on the One who put me there...the One who knows the very hairs on the head of each student that enters my room and every room in that building...

May I never forget that teaching is my secondary purpose.

He's All I Need

I heard a report on the news the other day that a woman's brain actually gets bigger when she has children. Apparently the grey matter increases. This report was made to refute the claim that a woman's mind becomes clouded and forgetful. If you ask me, my brain might have gotten bigger, but all that extra space is used for 3 things: worry, lists, and more worry. If I'm not thinking about my grocery list or to-do list, I am thinking about what I forgot to put on one of those lists. And if I'm not thinking about how much I love Sammy and watching him grow, I am thinking about what he is doing, if he is alright, if he is learning, if I am a good mom, etc, etc, etc. Writing it out and reading it makes me sound crazy, but I know every mom has been there!

In the midst of all of my fears, my lists for daily tasks and future dreams, and the things that keep me up at night, I find myself in a season where I am learning that He is all I need (Though I am aware that should always be my reality, the reality is that it is not!). Since Dave lost his job, money is tighter, priorities have shifted, dreams have changed, perspective is broadened, and above all things, my heart yearns for Him more than it ever has. I may not have everything I want and I may not be in the middle of my own scripted dream, but I do have all that I need...and He's it.