More Abundantly...

I'm not a very good blogger. I know this. I write sporadically and inconsistently. Even though one of my greatest passions is writing, I find it really difficult to keep up on here. I do, however, keep up with writing in "old-fashioned" journals. (I have a couple different ones going--one for the boys, one for things God is teaching me, etc.) There is something about reading back over my own physical writing, as if my handwriting is a part of retelling the stories that were written. It seems that the curve of my "s" or the color of my pen will somehow give deeper clues about what I was feeling when I wrote the words. (I am one of those people, too, who is resistant to buying a Kindle or Nook because I love the feel of a real book in my hands--being able to write in the margins and highlight profound and impressionable passages. I love the conveniences of technology but equally loathe how it has stripped many simplicities of life, but I digress!)

In the middle of reading One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp, I started my own gift list. In writing down some things for today's list, I went back and read what I wrote on the very first pages of the leather bound journal my dear friend Alicia bought for me. Here is the entry from February 25, 2012:

Today-this morning-was rough. Sam (age 3) was whiny and ready to melt down at every chance. Eli (one month) decided to fight sleep. Sammy peed all over the couch while Eli was screaming. My response? I burst into tears. I tried to hide it from Sammy, but he's a pretty sharp kid and he quickly asked, "Mama, are you crying because I peed?" At that moment, I knew I needed to change. I knew I wanted more for my kids--for myself--than them having a mother who turned every difficult moment into fear, anxiety, or a reason to worry. I was, at that moment, overcome with motherhood (especially my toddler having a difficult time adjusting to the new baby), but I was also tired of living in a pessimistic, over-analytical, self-reliant, controlling shell of a person. I want to live fully in Christ so my children will know what it means to have life more abundantly.


The following pages contain my "gift list"--those moments, experiences, people, and things that are gifts from the Father. In creating this list of 1,000+ gifts, I desire a heart transformation and a greater, deeper communion with the One who first loved me.

And so began a journey toward complete surrender, daily gratitude, and deep communion with a God I have longed to know--to really know. Over the last two months, I have been changed, and similar to gutting an old house, I kind of feel like I am stripped down to the studs at the moment--everything exposed--no hiding the termites that are trying to destroy the walls of my heart. Even though it is painful, it is a great place to be. I am excited about where God is taking me--where he is taking my family--wherever that may be.

A sample of my gift list:
1. Fresh air streaming through open windows on a first spring-like day.
2. Newborn smiles
4. Sammy crawling into our bed and, still sleepy, searching for my hair to twist while he sleeps.
7. Eli's long eye lashes
23. Unprompted "I love you" from Sam
28. The beginning of a dream and excitement about where this dream may lead.