A Strong Woman and a Thankful Heart

It is unfortunate that you have to wait until you're an adult (and to possibly have children of your own) before you realize the true value of your parents. I take immense pride in my parents because they didn't raise us on good breeding, social status, or a fine inheritance. They are two people, without college educations (barely high school diplomas), who have provided for our family from the ground up. At one point, when I was in high school, I remember my mom working three jobs to make ends meet, and my dad has always worked the dreaded night shift. BUT...they were involved in every concert, dance recital, youth retreat, birthday party, graduation, and they continue to do the same for their grandchildren (even more so!). They weren't raised in the church, either. They were "saved" after my sister was born, and so their parenting style was strict because they knew, first hand, what temptations were waiting around every corner for us. I didn't appreciate it then, but as I look back, I realize all the harm my parents kept me from.

In recent years, my mother's health has deteriorated. She had a stroke a few years back, followed by cancer, serious pneumonia that put her in the hospital for almost a week, as well as numerous other medical complications that have resulted from all of these events. Her lungs are scanned periodically for cancer, and her brain is checked regularly for signs of another stroke. It isn't easy to sit by and watch your parents age. I've always, always, always looked forward to my parents as grandparents because I didn't really have involved grandparents. My parents, as strict as they were as parents, are anything but as grandparents. Sammy gets ice cream, cookies, candy, movies, toys...you name the thing that parents generally say "no" to, and my parents provide it! My mom has lost about 35 pounds in the last two months or so. Normally, this would be something to rejoice over--my mom has struggled with her weight all of her life. However, this weight loss is because of the overwhelming stress of her job. My dad is months away from retirement, and my mom is still two years away; however, her doctor told her that if she doesn't leave this job, she will most definitely have a heart attack. So, with faith, my mother put in her resignation this week, and she will start a new job in December. She is taking a 50% pay cut with this job, but it will be a job that will probably save her life.

It is interesting being on this side of life. I appreciate that my parents never hide every single problem from us. We saw them fight. We saw them struggle financially. We watched them prosper, and we've watched as they have gotten older and had to make difficult choices. I thank God that He continues to prove that He is in control. I thank God for parents who put their faith in a God who sees the whole picture. I pray He continues to keep them, and I pray he blesses this incredibly strong mother of mine. My mother is a feisty combination of tell-it-like-it-is and complete love, and I never really appreciated that until recently.

And so...as Thanksgiving approaches, I will end this post with an attempt to list some of the things that leave me speechless.

I am GRATEFUL for...

1. Parents who I still learn from and respect, yet I feel at this point in my life are "friends"
2. An older sister--and best friend--who is a constant example of humility and strength
3. A husband whose heart is so big, it may jump out of his chest! I thank God that, despite all that Dave has been through in his life, he has a heart that is modeled after the heart of Christ. I learn from him every day.
4. My (almost) two children :) God has used them to teach me more than I will ever be able to teach them. God has used motherhood to reveal a lot of Himself and a lot of who I am and who I should strive to be. I am proud of my family, and I am excited about raising two courageous men :)
5. My mother-in-law...the kindest, sweetest, most loving, most forgiving woman you will ever meet. She makes Mother Theresa look like an average Joe! Haha!
6. My job...I am blessed, though some days are really hard, to work in a place that gives me so much joy in the midst of many storms. Even on the most difficult days, I am able to see what God sees in some of the most hate-filled, angry, broken teenagers you've ever met. It is a miracle to look into a teen's eyes--one who has seen death, murder, abandonment, abuse--and see what God sees. God has really shown me His ability to move in the darkest situations. You really lose all sense of inward thinking when you work in an environment that has so much need. It has really changed my life--though the daily grind can sometimes be challenging.
7. For a Savior who continues to bring me through valley and mountain-top experiences--I thank God that He has brought me to a point in life where I've realized that it has nothing to do with where I am, who I am with, or what I am doing. It has to do with Him--wherever I go, whatever I do, whomever I am with--am I drawing people to His glory?!

Happy Thanksgiving!

One little boy's obsession...

Every parent, whether they seem fit or not in the eyes of others, has dreams for his or her children. I watch Sammy play and feel my second born move inside, and I wonder what the future holds for these two boys...I wonder what plan God has for their lives. I can dream a thousand dreams for my children, but God knows the passion He has planted inside both of them.

As pastor spoke about Nehemiah and believing in the impossible and the burdens God gives us, I began to think about my two year old and his passion for wild animals. The other day, while he sat and played with his lion, elephant, and giraffe, he looked at Dave and I and declared that he wanted to go to Africa! I didn't know Sammy even knew Africa existed--I'm sure he heard about it on one of his National Geographic shows. I can't help but wonder, as a parent with great dreams for my children, if this little boy's obsession with the wild is the beginning of a greater plan that God will one day carry out in Sammy's life for His glory? Maybe he will work for animal conservation, maybe he will work to feed the hungry, maybe he will be a missionary to some distant tribe in the savannah.

Whatever my children become...whatever path they take...whatever job they do, I pray that God would birth in them a passion that is driven by bringing Him glory. And I pray that Dave and I are examples of that passion lived out on a daily basis...in our workplaces, in our home, in our church, and in our community.

I Love...

A long weekend spent with family can only bring feelings of gratitude. So...in the midst of a little chaos, uncertainty, and messiness that life can sometimes bring, I choose to dwell on the things I love about this life.

I LOVE...

...when Sammy plays with my hair while Dave prays before bed time.
...(though sometimes annoying and borderline obsessive) Sammy's incessant chatter about random wild animals and being an animal rescuer.
...my mother's random phone calls.
...that my niece and nephew, though 6+ years older than Sammy, get SO excited to see him and love to play with him.
...picking apples fresh from the tree.
...staying up late planning a budget with my hubby, and having him look to me afterward and say, "I am so glad I get to be on this journey with you."
...moments of potty training success...yes...moments. He is slowly but surely giving up the security of his beloved diapers.
...TUMS...such relief after a delicious meal of lasagna.
...how my dad answers the phone saying "what it be...where it at?" when I call because he thinks I will think it is funny because I work in "the hood"!
...my cat.
...day dreaming about what this next little boy will look like and be like.
...leaves changing colors, pumpkins, and cinnamon sugar donuts.
...feeling my baby move inside and watching my belly move on the outside.
...that God is bringing me through a spiritual valley so I can grow and know Him on a deeper level.
...that nothing in my house really matches and that my toddler's artwork is randomly taped all over doors and walls.
...(in a weird way) stains in and crumbs on the carpet. Though they often drive me nuts, I was reminded this weekend that they are proof that my house may not be perfect, but it is a home.
...my job--even though I feel more like a prison guard than a teacher some days, I know teaching is my secondary purpose.
...when Sammy asks, "where did our friends go" after we drop kids off after church.
...listening to Sammy recite "If You See a Mouse" from memory.
...listening to Sammy "read" a book by starting "once upon a time..." and then make up the story according to the pictures :)
...seeing my dad light up when he sees his grandkids.
...watching my sister take a risk.
...finding a Halloween costume that captures Sammy's character (but slightly sad that this will probably be the last year I will have complete control over this choice in my son's life).
...when Dave makes me laugh over the most ridiculous things.
...that my parents (unlike their parents--my grandparents) embrace being nana and papa. Sammy knows he can simply ask, and nana will give him stove popped popcorn, ice cream, tv, or chocolate milk and papa will give him a ride on the riding lawn mower, will take him in the basement to turn on all of his fancy machines, or will play hide-and-seek! Sammy never wants to leave their house, and I love that he has that (with Dave's mom too!)
...living in Buffalo. Although NYS is corrupt and sooooo expensive to live in, it is home. I love the people, the food (haha), and my life here.
...Sammy's new-found love for music...though not sure how I feel about his love for the drums.
...sun after a lot of rain and rain when things get a little dry.
...television shows that don't rot my brain or corrupt my spirit but make me think about my own life and what I believe (Dr. Edwards would be so proud).
...when my husband washes the dishes.
...that my husband is not obsessed with making Sammy love sports.
...trying new recipes (not sure how Dave feels about it, but I think it is fun!)
...handwritten love notes.
...the frame in our bedroom that says, "Make time for quiet moments as God whispers and the world is loud." Learning to be still...
...dwelling on all the things I have in this life that often get clouded by all the distractions and clutter.

Hats Off to Single Parents...

Dave has been on a business trip to Boston for a few days now, and he comes home Friday. I miss my partner in crime. Though many of our usual hours during the week are spent apart, there is comfort in the time we spend together in the evenings, talking, cuddling, making plans, encouraging one another, laughing, cooking dinner together, etc. Sammy has been so sweet and cooperative and my parents have spoiled me by inviting me over for dinner, but nothing compares to having him to lean on. I thought about it while driving to work today: single parents are the real heroes. Men and women who, everyday, do everything on their own...the discipline, the reading, the bath time, the teaching, the cooking, the cleaning, the play time--all of it. At 5 months pregnant, taking care of Sammy on my own for less than a week has been a little tough (especially when you can't really lift a 35 lb. toddler), but that doesn't even remotely compare to what many moms and dads do on their own on a daily basis.

I'm thankful for a supportive husband who gives 100% to his family, but, more importantly, praying for all the single parents who sacrifice so much more than I am required to on a daily basis.

Raising Boys...

The first thing the sonogram tech asked was "Do you want to know what it is?" Before she even finished the sentence, I blurted out, "Oh, yes!" Dave and I, and everyone else in our lives (except Dave's grandmother), was convinced we were having a girl. This pregnancy has been drastically different, I look different with this one, and all of the old wives tales performed (with or without my permission) claimed there was a girl growing inside of me. I liked the idea of having a daughter. I would always stop by the girl's section at Target and take a glimpse at the cute dresses, and we picked out a name that we were in love with. Despite all of this, I never put out of my mind the idea of another little boy :)

The tech started with her routine measurements, which seemed to take forever, but Dave and I enjoyed watching all of the little somersaults and movements. Finally the tech exclaimed, "Guess what? It's a boy!" Neither of us reacted--not out of a disappointment, but out of shock that our very certain minds had been wrong (imagine that)! After she announced our little boy and made sure we were certain by zooming in on the obvious part, she had trouble getting measurements of the spine because our little guy was curled up in such a ball. She asked me to take a walk and go empty my bladder to see if that would help (which it eventually did). I went into the bathroom and immediately cried. I promise you I wasn't crying out of disappointment, but I was crying for Dave. He didn't act disappointed. Quite the opposite. However, a part of me wanted him to experience what I have with my dad...that father/daughter bond that I don't even understand sometimes. Even more, I knew he would make a great dad to a little girl. He would teach her what it means to be loved and respected in a world that is full of young girls looking for love in all the wrong places. Beyond that, I felt guilt...guilt that I would have another little boy pulling at my "apron strings"! Weird, I know, but these were the things flooding my mind. I wasn't upset about not being able to buy pink or have shopping trips or spa days, and part of me knew or felt--long before I had children--that I was made to raise boys. I did feel overwhelming guilt that my hubby wasn't getting his special little girl. Again...so weird, I know. (Those confused need to know that we are planning on having only two children--no matter what the gender. I am not God, I know. But that is the Neiss plan, hence, the guilt. We both agree that trying for a third simply to try for a specific gender is silly. If we have a third, it will be because we want to have another child, not because we want a girl.)

I collected myself and quickly went back into the room. As she continued the sonogram, I was in awe. She switched over to the 3D images, and I immediately fell in love with this new little man. His nose is just like Sammy's and his arms and legs were all over the place! He kept opening and closing his mouth like he was trying to make little baby noises! It was so amazing. Dave grabbed my hand and squeezed it, and at that moment, all feelings of guilt flew out the door. Raising boys is God's plan for us (for the moment, since I can't see tomorrow ;), and I am so excited for the future. Football games, worn out knees on pants, grass stains, youth group pranks, and watching them--by the grace of God--grow into men who fear the Lord and live to serve Him. And what better role model than Dave? (And my dad now has three sons that he never had!)

I can't wait to meet our new little guy, but in the mean time, I am enjoying every single moment of this pregnancy. I am amazed by God's power and grace, and I continue to be in awe of Him--especially as a little life moves within, and even when I am tired and run-down.

Psalm 139:13-16...just amazing.

¹³ For you created my inmost being;
   you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
¹⁴ I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
   your works are wonderful,
   I know that full well.
¹⁵ My frame was not hidden from you
   when I was made in the secret place,
   when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
¹⁶ Your eyes saw my unformed body;
   all the days ordained for me were written in your book
   before one of them came to be.

Surrender...

We started a study on surrender in youth group tonight. It started me thinking, "what does it  REALLY mean to surrender?"

Webster defines surrender as "to give up completely or agree to forgo especially in favor of another." 

The first part of that definition seems like a no-brainer. If you surrender, you give up something. The last part of the definition is what hit me: especially in favor of another. When we surrender all we are--everything we have: our material possessions, our dreams, our families, our fears, our anxieties--to Christ, we aren't just giving something up, we are giving those things up in favor of Christ. We are choosing Him over those things that keep us running like hamsters on a wheel. 

The  next question may be...what then when we choose to surrender...what happens next?

It will be interesting to see where this study goes because this is SO much easier said than done.

The First Day...

The first day back to school, always difficult for a thousand reasons, always reminds me that I am exactly where God intended me to be. Hugs from students (many feeling the need to rub my new belly), new students asking me to name my unborn child after them (haha), news students from all over the world, colleagues who encourage and provide humor, typically "bad" kids running through the door on time on the first day because even though they are obnoxious and filled with hate at times--they know they are loved and safe, a chance to start over and see kids through new lenses, an opportunity not often given in other districts or areas of the country to share Jesus and be his hands and feet in a public school...I am a blessed woman. I explained to Sammy that I was going to teach some big kids today, and he said, "have fun mama!" He, in turn, was cared for by two amazing women. He walked out of Marie's house with his dinosaur bookbag, beaming and excited to tell me that he got a book baggy to bring home today! Is my life conventional? Not by any means! Do I love what God is doing in my life and in my family's life (though not always what I would choose or the way I would choose)? Definitely. I know there will be challenging days ahead. I know there will be mornings when Sammy is not-so compliant and days when students (and administrators) make me question why I chose teaching in the first place. But I am forever grateful that God continues to open doors that I would NEVER have opened and continues to close the ones I try to break my way through.

So far a great start to a new school year...

...just as Christ also loved the church...

Ephesians 5:25-27 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her; 26 that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, 27 that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she should be holy and blameless.

I've been to soooooo many weddings when this set of verses is casually read--mine included. I know I didn't totally understand what it meant nine years ago (thought I did), but I am privileged to be married to a man who lives these verses out on a daily basis.

While reading the other day, I came across a statement that brings about a simple interpretation of these verses: "The goal of love is not just kindness motivated by a desire to make your wife happy. The goal is to build her up to bring about God’s purpose in her." 

I have realized over the last couple of years--especially with the added stress of a child (almost children)--that I have married a man that not only exemplifies Christ, but who also makes it his goal to make me a better person and develop who God made me to be. He is slow to anger, the most patient person I have ever met, extraordinarily humble, and loves me with a true love--a love that isn't afraid to correct me when I am wrong or encourage me when I am in a slump. He is respected by those around him, not because he lives in a popular way, but because he lives each and every minute with integrity--always putting others before himself and ALWAYS thinking long and hard before he speaks.

Bottom line: I love that my husband loves Jesus more than he loves me, and I love that my husband wants me--he urges me--to love Jesus more than I love him. Even more, he lives in such a way that draws me closer to Jesus.

Now, who needs a big house and fancy things when you come home to that every day?

Yum! The Humongous Appetite of a Pregnant Woman...

This is so random and out of the ordinary compared to what I normally write about, but I have to write about my appetite with this pregnancy. I have never in my  life felt like such a glutton!!! When I was pregnant with my first, I pretty much ate two things: fruit and cereal. With this one, I feel like a bottomless pit. Below is the list of random foods that I crave...the grocery store for me right now is like the liquor store for an alcoholic--I just need to stay away.

-Starburts (or any chewy, fruit-flavored candy)
-Soup (I can't get enough--doesn't matter what kind--I just want soup)
-Ramen Noodles (fairly new craving, but so good)
-Ice Cream (do I really need to explain?)
-English Muffins (super toasted)
-Bologna (don't judge me...I just really, really want bologna on a roll with mustard. I've only had it once so far, but the craving is always there! Ha!)
-Hot chocolate with whipped cream
-Orange juice
-Fruit (which I may not be able to count as a craving because pregnant or not, it is my favorite thing to eat)
-Cereal (Multi-grain Cheerios, Honey Bunches of Oats, and Rice Crispies being my favorites)
-Eggs (I REALLY want them "over easy"--with the runny yolk, but I am afraid of the dangers for the baby, so I have settled for scrambled)
-"Chicken in a Pita" (I only had it once at the Eden Corn festival, but it was SO good that I can't stop thinking about it!!)
-Pretzel Bites with cheese
-Nachos

Yep...and I haven't gained a pound yet, though I try to balance all of these "cravings" with sensible things! Along with this laundry list of favorites, I have experienced acne again for the first time in a long time--Clean and Clear is my new best friend (though it doesn't seem to be working). I have worn my hair in a pony tail most days this summer--partly because I need a hair cut and mostly because my hair is like straw!  I am still battling fatigue, although I am pretty sure that won't subside with a two-almost three-year old and starting back to work full time next week. I've felt tiny movements here or there, but nothing too obvious. I am much more laid back with this pregnancy...much of the stress that comes with being a first time mom is behind me at this point. My biggest anxiety is helping Sammy transition. He will be over three by the time the baby comes, and he is very verbal and very aware of what is going on around him. He has become a bit aggressive over the last few weeks and really wants little to do with the idea of sharing his life and everything in it with another child (though how can a 2 year old really fathom something that isn't there?)!! I am also really hoping to have him potty trained by then. We thought he was ready to potty train a few months back--he was going sporadically and responding to positive reinforcement--but he has since lost interest. I am told this is very normal (by the doctor and friends), and kids--especially boys--will suddenly have interest and potty train over night. It was my goal to have him out of diapers well before the next one arrives, so we shall see what the fall brings...

I am definitely enjoying myself even though this pregnancy seems to be very different from my first. I look forward to the coming weeks and months...only a little over two weeks until we (hopefully) find out if it will be a brother or sister for Sammy :)

Corn and God's Faithfulness...

We are heading to the Eden Corn Festival later on today. Why is this noteworthy, you may ask? The Eden Corn Festival is held the first weekend of August each year. Last year, as we drove to this festival, Dave got a phone call that resulted in a lay off and six months without a job. I remember the "punch-in-the-gut" feeling as we drove on Interstate 90 and heard a sweet woman say, "I'm sorry to bother you on a Friday night David, but I have some bad news..." The funny thing is, I remember having a lot of fun that night...eating corn on the cob, playing games, and yes, eating deep fried cheesecake! I also remember the weeks and months that followed...a moment in the desert waiting for the manna to fall. As I look back over the last year, I feel SO unworthy of the point to which God has brought us. I remember feeling angry and scared, and just like the Israelites, began grumbling. So as we head to the festival tonight, with my ever expanding belly (that I can't believe is expanding so fast) and my little second born fluttering inside, I will reflect on the God who is the same yesterday, today, and forever. He is the same God who was with us when we heard that news, and he is the same God who is watching over the baby in my womb. He remains unchanged even though I do not. He remains faithful when I am full of doubt. He gives and takes away...still I will say blessed be His name...

Let it Begin With Me...

If I take the wings of the morning
and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
even there your hand shall lead me,
and your right hand shall hold me. Psalm 139: 9,10

Psalm 139 has to be my favorite Psalm. I could really identify with it when I was pregnant, and as I watch my son grow and change, God's beautiful and unfolding plan continues to fascinate me. In last 7 months or so, I have gone through an interesting period in my walk with Christ...going from extreme mountain top experiences to even more extreme valley and desert moments. In the midst of it all, I have felt God's peace that truly passes all understanding.

Every other Friday we have youth group...a fun night of small groups, gym time, games, and, of course, food! This past Friday night, the teaching was on burdens. I was unprepared for what occurred as our small group discussion began. I started out with a group of three girls, but we stumbled upon another group of seven girls  who were with my good friend Alicia, so we joined in. This was no accident. As we began our discussion on burdens, the question was asked, "what burdens do teenagers typically carry?" Silence. We eventually pulled some cliche answers out of them like "friends, school, etc." Feeling a little uncomfortable with the silence, we probed further. "Can any of you share a burden you might have?" Alicia quickly noticed one girl's mood change, so she questioned further. This young eighth grade girl, with such maturity and poise, began to pour out her heart about her parent's broken relationship. She shared about their history of nasty and angry fighting, and with tears streaming, told us that they had been to see a divorce lawyer that afternoon. As she vulnerably opened her heart to the group, four girls sobbed around our circle. Another girl began to share about her father who left her family long ago.  Two girls continued to sob and were unwilling to confide in the group. Alicia and I looked at one another, stunned. In the fellowship hall of little church on the east side of Buffalo, ten broken and burden-filled girls sat and longed for more...for more than broken families, for more than shouldering way more than a 12 or 13 year old should, for more than carrying secrets and regret. Gosh...I love how Jesus works. No fancy worship service. No powerful sermon. No flashy programs. Just four brick walls, Jesus, ten girls in need of a Savior, and two willing vessels. We prayed over the girls, and eight of them rejoined the boys and other girls in the sanctuary for the closing.

But there were still two girls who needed more. Alicia and I followed them into the bathroom where they continued to sit and cry, unwilling to share but desperate for someone to care. Without a thought, Alicia and I sat on the cold bathroom floor. After some silence, one girl shared about her parents volatile relationship. She told us that last summer her dad went down south to get away and to take care of his mother. While there, he suffered kidney failure and died, and she never saw him again. This twelve year old girl sat and spoke of such painful regret. The other girl finally felt comfortable sharing, and she poured her heart out about being a foster child and never having met her parents. Alicia and I shared about a God who loves them...about a Father who ordained every day of their lives. I quoted and explained parts of Psalm 139.

I was forever changed while sitting on that cold and nasty bathroom floor! When we walked out of the bathroom, I saw Sammy running around entertaining all of the teenagers like he loves to do. I couldn't help but think, will he ever realize...will he ever know how blessed he is? I pray that as he grows up in our care, he sees love in action, not simply in word. He has amazed us over the last few months with all that he has learned and is able to do. He knows the alphabet, all the letter sounds, can count to 20, etc., etc., etc. Like any parent, I am proud of every little thing he does, but no matter what he does or does not do and no matter what talents he has or doesn't have, I pray that he knows how to love others with the love of a God who ordained every moment of his life before one of them came to be. Let's face it: "If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing."...may this be our greatest lesson for our son, and let it begin with me.