So Final.

My friend Kristen sent me a text yesterday. A young girl is pregnant and in need. Kristen was asking if we would be able to give away some baby things since Dave and I are done having kids (something we've made clear!). I was all for it! I always knew when we were done that I wanted to give it all away to bless someone as much as we have been blessed. Dave sent me a cautionary text: "Are you sure you're ready to give it all away? It seems so final." I hadn't really thought about anything except for the fact that we knew--after bringing home Eli--that we were done--for several reasons.

This morning I have been organizing things in Eli's room in an effort to find matching shirts that I bought the boys long before Eli was born!! I started looking around and thought about just giving it all away. Dave was right...it was so final. Part of me enjoys the quiet feedings at 3 am, even though I'm pretty sure the exhaustion at that hour must be similar to being drunk or intoxicated! Haha! I look at the pictures we have hanging all over the house and realize these two little faces that are part me and part Dave are concrete proof of well over a decade of love that only God could have created. They are a legacy of a friendship turned romance turned partners in raising a family that will hopefully light the world on fire for Christ. Are we ready to close the curtain? My brain emphatically says YES! I think my heart will always wonder WHAT IF...Hopefully the two can come to a consensus some time soon!

True Confessions of a Mom

When I was in college, in mid-western Springfield, Missouri, my floor-mates and I would entertain ourselves by playing a game of "True Confessions". We would sit in a circle on one of our door room floors and each write a few probing questions on slips of paper. We would then take turns answering these questions--some silly, some serious, some down right ridiculous--all in an effort to not only amuse ourselves, but to also get to know one another on a deeper level. I sometimes miss living in those days of complete transparency.

A friend of mine brought lunch over last week, and we got on a discussion about motherhood. We began talking about the sometimes challenging moments of raising a toddler--especially those moments in public when all you want to do is run and hide when your child decides to become a monster right before your eyes--and right before the eyes of everyone in Target! This discussion got me thinking: if every mom has these moments, why aren't we more supportive of one another and transparent with one another? Instead, we stare, we judge, we accuse, and we assume.

So...after reading the words of Ann Voskamp this morning, I have been inspired to confess some of the reasons why my home isn't perfect and why I am not the perfect mom:

1.  I rarely fold laundry (with the exception of kid clothes because they are so tiny and so easy to lose track of). It is sorted in baskets in the laundry room. It is clean. But, I confess, it hardly ever gets folded. We dig for what we want to wear. We "fluff" it in the drier to get the wrinkles out (or sometimes iron in extreme cases).
2. I dust when it is visible...usually when I walk into a room and the sun hits the bookshelf just right--that is when I dust.
3. My 3 yr. old goes to bed without brushing his teeth sometimes. If he is having a rough night or it is late, it gets forgotten. (This one makes me feel pretty guilty, I admit).
4. I confess that one time, while at the zoo, Sammy went through so many diapers that I ran out and had to put a used one (pee only) back on him until we got home.
5. My over 3 yr. old still isn't fully potty trained. I include this on the list because there seems to be a race among moms over who can get their kid potty trained at the youngest age. My son knows all the letters, their sounds, can read a few words, knows his colors, yada, yada, yada, but he won't poop on the potty. Big deal. He'll get it when he is ready just like all kids will know their letters and colors at some point. Development isn't a race.
6. I feed my son pizza once a week probably (store bought or homemade). He is pretty picky these days...I need one meal without a battle.
7. I often forget to wipe down the booster seat after dinner. It is usually caked with yogurt or sauce for a couple days until I realize how messy it really is.
8. Sometimes there are so many goldfish (or other cracker variety) scattered inside the car (even though I swore I would never let my kids eat in the car--haha.) that I will catch Sammy snacking on an old treat. Sigh.

The list could go on, but I should probably end here. My point is, no mom is perfect and very few homes--at least the ones where kids are being raised and loved on--look like a carbon copy of some magazine spread or department store showroom. I do know that I love my kids with a love that overflows and makes me weepy and happy and in awe of the God who thought it right and good to put two little boys in my care.

True Confessions?...

Twenty years from now, I want my kids to have learned how to love others--their friends, their wives, their children, strangers--because they first saw it reflected in me and Dave. They won't remember the crumbs. They won't remember the unfolded laundry. They will remember the love.

 "Sin is what happens when our love gets disordered. And it’s never worth disordering the heart to get a right-ordered house...How is my love ordered? Towards a Better Homes and Gardens House? Or a better, holy, godly heart?...A right-ordered house isn’t virtuous like a right-ordered heart" -Voskamp

"We love because He first loved us." 1 John 4:19

A Strong Woman and a Thankful Heart

It is unfortunate that you have to wait until you're an adult (and to possibly have children of your own) before you realize the true value of your parents. I take immense pride in my parents because they didn't raise us on good breeding, social status, or a fine inheritance. They are two people, without college educations (barely high school diplomas), who have provided for our family from the ground up. At one point, when I was in high school, I remember my mom working three jobs to make ends meet, and my dad has always worked the dreaded night shift. BUT...they were involved in every concert, dance recital, youth retreat, birthday party, graduation, and they continue to do the same for their grandchildren (even more so!). They weren't raised in the church, either. They were "saved" after my sister was born, and so their parenting style was strict because they knew, first hand, what temptations were waiting around every corner for us. I didn't appreciate it then, but as I look back, I realize all the harm my parents kept me from.

In recent years, my mother's health has deteriorated. She had a stroke a few years back, followed by cancer, serious pneumonia that put her in the hospital for almost a week, as well as numerous other medical complications that have resulted from all of these events. Her lungs are scanned periodically for cancer, and her brain is checked regularly for signs of another stroke. It isn't easy to sit by and watch your parents age. I've always, always, always looked forward to my parents as grandparents because I didn't really have involved grandparents. My parents, as strict as they were as parents, are anything but as grandparents. Sammy gets ice cream, cookies, candy, movies, toys...you name the thing that parents generally say "no" to, and my parents provide it! My mom has lost about 35 pounds in the last two months or so. Normally, this would be something to rejoice over--my mom has struggled with her weight all of her life. However, this weight loss is because of the overwhelming stress of her job. My dad is months away from retirement, and my mom is still two years away; however, her doctor told her that if she doesn't leave this job, she will most definitely have a heart attack. So, with faith, my mother put in her resignation this week, and she will start a new job in December. She is taking a 50% pay cut with this job, but it will be a job that will probably save her life.

It is interesting being on this side of life. I appreciate that my parents never hide every single problem from us. We saw them fight. We saw them struggle financially. We watched them prosper, and we've watched as they have gotten older and had to make difficult choices. I thank God that He continues to prove that He is in control. I thank God for parents who put their faith in a God who sees the whole picture. I pray He continues to keep them, and I pray he blesses this incredibly strong mother of mine. My mother is a feisty combination of tell-it-like-it-is and complete love, and I never really appreciated that until recently.

And so...as Thanksgiving approaches, I will end this post with an attempt to list some of the things that leave me speechless.

I am GRATEFUL for...

1. Parents who I still learn from and respect, yet I feel at this point in my life are "friends"
2. An older sister--and best friend--who is a constant example of humility and strength
3. A husband whose heart is so big, it may jump out of his chest! I thank God that, despite all that Dave has been through in his life, he has a heart that is modeled after the heart of Christ. I learn from him every day.
4. My (almost) two children :) God has used them to teach me more than I will ever be able to teach them. God has used motherhood to reveal a lot of Himself and a lot of who I am and who I should strive to be. I am proud of my family, and I am excited about raising two courageous men :)
5. My mother-in-law...the kindest, sweetest, most loving, most forgiving woman you will ever meet. She makes Mother Theresa look like an average Joe! Haha!
6. My job...I am blessed, though some days are really hard, to work in a place that gives me so much joy in the midst of many storms. Even on the most difficult days, I am able to see what God sees in some of the most hate-filled, angry, broken teenagers you've ever met. It is a miracle to look into a teen's eyes--one who has seen death, murder, abandonment, abuse--and see what God sees. God has really shown me His ability to move in the darkest situations. You really lose all sense of inward thinking when you work in an environment that has so much need. It has really changed my life--though the daily grind can sometimes be challenging.
7. For a Savior who continues to bring me through valley and mountain-top experiences--I thank God that He has brought me to a point in life where I've realized that it has nothing to do with where I am, who I am with, or what I am doing. It has to do with Him--wherever I go, whatever I do, whomever I am with--am I drawing people to His glory?!

Happy Thanksgiving!

One little boy's obsession...

Every parent, whether they seem fit or not in the eyes of others, has dreams for his or her children. I watch Sammy play and feel my second born move inside, and I wonder what the future holds for these two boys...I wonder what plan God has for their lives. I can dream a thousand dreams for my children, but God knows the passion He has planted inside both of them.

As pastor spoke about Nehemiah and believing in the impossible and the burdens God gives us, I began to think about my two year old and his passion for wild animals. The other day, while he sat and played with his lion, elephant, and giraffe, he looked at Dave and I and declared that he wanted to go to Africa! I didn't know Sammy even knew Africa existed--I'm sure he heard about it on one of his National Geographic shows. I can't help but wonder, as a parent with great dreams for my children, if this little boy's obsession with the wild is the beginning of a greater plan that God will one day carry out in Sammy's life for His glory? Maybe he will work for animal conservation, maybe he will work to feed the hungry, maybe he will be a missionary to some distant tribe in the savannah.

Whatever my children become...whatever path they take...whatever job they do, I pray that God would birth in them a passion that is driven by bringing Him glory. And I pray that Dave and I are examples of that passion lived out on a daily basis...in our workplaces, in our home, in our church, and in our community.

I Love...

A long weekend spent with family can only bring feelings of gratitude. So...in the midst of a little chaos, uncertainty, and messiness that life can sometimes bring, I choose to dwell on the things I love about this life.

I LOVE...

...when Sammy plays with my hair while Dave prays before bed time.
...(though sometimes annoying and borderline obsessive) Sammy's incessant chatter about random wild animals and being an animal rescuer.
...my mother's random phone calls.
...that my niece and nephew, though 6+ years older than Sammy, get SO excited to see him and love to play with him.
...picking apples fresh from the tree.
...staying up late planning a budget with my hubby, and having him look to me afterward and say, "I am so glad I get to be on this journey with you."
...moments of potty training success...yes...moments. He is slowly but surely giving up the security of his beloved diapers.
...TUMS...such relief after a delicious meal of lasagna.
...how my dad answers the phone saying "what it be...where it at?" when I call because he thinks I will think it is funny because I work in "the hood"!
...my cat.
...day dreaming about what this next little boy will look like and be like.
...leaves changing colors, pumpkins, and cinnamon sugar donuts.
...feeling my baby move inside and watching my belly move on the outside.
...that God is bringing me through a spiritual valley so I can grow and know Him on a deeper level.
...that nothing in my house really matches and that my toddler's artwork is randomly taped all over doors and walls.
...(in a weird way) stains in and crumbs on the carpet. Though they often drive me nuts, I was reminded this weekend that they are proof that my house may not be perfect, but it is a home.
...my job--even though I feel more like a prison guard than a teacher some days, I know teaching is my secondary purpose.
...when Sammy asks, "where did our friends go" after we drop kids off after church.
...listening to Sammy recite "If You See a Mouse" from memory.
...listening to Sammy "read" a book by starting "once upon a time..." and then make up the story according to the pictures :)
...seeing my dad light up when he sees his grandkids.
...watching my sister take a risk.
...finding a Halloween costume that captures Sammy's character (but slightly sad that this will probably be the last year I will have complete control over this choice in my son's life).
...when Dave makes me laugh over the most ridiculous things.
...that my parents (unlike their parents--my grandparents) embrace being nana and papa. Sammy knows he can simply ask, and nana will give him stove popped popcorn, ice cream, tv, or chocolate milk and papa will give him a ride on the riding lawn mower, will take him in the basement to turn on all of his fancy machines, or will play hide-and-seek! Sammy never wants to leave their house, and I love that he has that (with Dave's mom too!)
...living in Buffalo. Although NYS is corrupt and sooooo expensive to live in, it is home. I love the people, the food (haha), and my life here.
...Sammy's new-found love for music...though not sure how I feel about his love for the drums.
...sun after a lot of rain and rain when things get a little dry.
...television shows that don't rot my brain or corrupt my spirit but make me think about my own life and what I believe (Dr. Edwards would be so proud).
...when my husband washes the dishes.
...that my husband is not obsessed with making Sammy love sports.
...trying new recipes (not sure how Dave feels about it, but I think it is fun!)
...handwritten love notes.
...the frame in our bedroom that says, "Make time for quiet moments as God whispers and the world is loud." Learning to be still...
...dwelling on all the things I have in this life that often get clouded by all the distractions and clutter.

Hats Off to Single Parents...

Dave has been on a business trip to Boston for a few days now, and he comes home Friday. I miss my partner in crime. Though many of our usual hours during the week are spent apart, there is comfort in the time we spend together in the evenings, talking, cuddling, making plans, encouraging one another, laughing, cooking dinner together, etc. Sammy has been so sweet and cooperative and my parents have spoiled me by inviting me over for dinner, but nothing compares to having him to lean on. I thought about it while driving to work today: single parents are the real heroes. Men and women who, everyday, do everything on their own...the discipline, the reading, the bath time, the teaching, the cooking, the cleaning, the play time--all of it. At 5 months pregnant, taking care of Sammy on my own for less than a week has been a little tough (especially when you can't really lift a 35 lb. toddler), but that doesn't even remotely compare to what many moms and dads do on their own on a daily basis.

I'm thankful for a supportive husband who gives 100% to his family, but, more importantly, praying for all the single parents who sacrifice so much more than I am required to on a daily basis.

Raising Boys...

The first thing the sonogram tech asked was "Do you want to know what it is?" Before she even finished the sentence, I blurted out, "Oh, yes!" Dave and I, and everyone else in our lives (except Dave's grandmother), was convinced we were having a girl. This pregnancy has been drastically different, I look different with this one, and all of the old wives tales performed (with or without my permission) claimed there was a girl growing inside of me. I liked the idea of having a daughter. I would always stop by the girl's section at Target and take a glimpse at the cute dresses, and we picked out a name that we were in love with. Despite all of this, I never put out of my mind the idea of another little boy :)

The tech started with her routine measurements, which seemed to take forever, but Dave and I enjoyed watching all of the little somersaults and movements. Finally the tech exclaimed, "Guess what? It's a boy!" Neither of us reacted--not out of a disappointment, but out of shock that our very certain minds had been wrong (imagine that)! After she announced our little boy and made sure we were certain by zooming in on the obvious part, she had trouble getting measurements of the spine because our little guy was curled up in such a ball. She asked me to take a walk and go empty my bladder to see if that would help (which it eventually did). I went into the bathroom and immediately cried. I promise you I wasn't crying out of disappointment, but I was crying for Dave. He didn't act disappointed. Quite the opposite. However, a part of me wanted him to experience what I have with my dad...that father/daughter bond that I don't even understand sometimes. Even more, I knew he would make a great dad to a little girl. He would teach her what it means to be loved and respected in a world that is full of young girls looking for love in all the wrong places. Beyond that, I felt guilt...guilt that I would have another little boy pulling at my "apron strings"! Weird, I know, but these were the things flooding my mind. I wasn't upset about not being able to buy pink or have shopping trips or spa days, and part of me knew or felt--long before I had children--that I was made to raise boys. I did feel overwhelming guilt that my hubby wasn't getting his special little girl. Again...so weird, I know. (Those confused need to know that we are planning on having only two children--no matter what the gender. I am not God, I know. But that is the Neiss plan, hence, the guilt. We both agree that trying for a third simply to try for a specific gender is silly. If we have a third, it will be because we want to have another child, not because we want a girl.)

I collected myself and quickly went back into the room. As she continued the sonogram, I was in awe. She switched over to the 3D images, and I immediately fell in love with this new little man. His nose is just like Sammy's and his arms and legs were all over the place! He kept opening and closing his mouth like he was trying to make little baby noises! It was so amazing. Dave grabbed my hand and squeezed it, and at that moment, all feelings of guilt flew out the door. Raising boys is God's plan for us (for the moment, since I can't see tomorrow ;), and I am so excited for the future. Football games, worn out knees on pants, grass stains, youth group pranks, and watching them--by the grace of God--grow into men who fear the Lord and live to serve Him. And what better role model than Dave? (And my dad now has three sons that he never had!)

I can't wait to meet our new little guy, but in the mean time, I am enjoying every single moment of this pregnancy. I am amazed by God's power and grace, and I continue to be in awe of Him--especially as a little life moves within, and even when I am tired and run-down.

Psalm 139:13-16...just amazing.

¹³ For you created my inmost being;
   you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
¹⁴ I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
   your works are wonderful,
   I know that full well.
¹⁵ My frame was not hidden from you
   when I was made in the secret place,
   when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
¹⁶ Your eyes saw my unformed body;
   all the days ordained for me were written in your book
   before one of them came to be.