(Rotten) fruits of my spirit...

On a day when I lost patience, let my anger get the best of me, and had a hard time finding a way to love the unlovable, I stumbled across the following passage in one of my devotional books. It is quoted from Max Lucado's When God Whispers Your Name:

"In a few moments the day will arrive. It will roar down the track with the rising of the sun. The stillness of the dawn will be exchanged with the noise of the day. The calm of solitude will be replaced by the pounding of the human race. The refuge of the early morning will be invaded by decisions to be made and deadlines to be met.

For the next twelve hours I will be exposed to the day's demands. It is now that I must make a choice. Because of Calvary, I'm free to choose. And so I choose.

I CHOOSE LOVE...
No occasion justifies hatred; no injustice warrants bitterness. I choose love. Today I will love God and what God loves.

I CHOOSE JOY...
I will invite my God to be a God of circumstance. I will refuse the temptation to by cynical...the tool of the lazy thinker. I will refuse to see people as anything less than human beings, created by God. I will refuse to see any problem as anything less than and opportunity to see God.

I CHOOSE PEACE...
I will live forgiven. I will forgive so that I can live.

I CHOOSE PATIENCE...
I will overlook the inconveniences of the world. Instead of cursing the one who takes my place, I'll invite them to do so. Rather than complain that the wait is too long, I will thank God for a moment to pray. Instead of clinching my fist at a new assignments, I will face them with joy and courage.

I CHOOSE KINDNESS...
I will be kind to the poor, for they are alone. Kind to the rich, for they are afraid. And kind to the unkind, for such is how God has treated me.

I CHOOSE GOODNESS...
I will go without a dollar before I take a dishonest one. I will be overlooked before I boast. I will confess before I accuse. I choose goodness.

I CHOOSE FAITHFULNESS...
Today I will keep my promises. My debtors will not regret their trust. My associates will not question my word. My husband will not question my love. And my children will not fear that their mother will not come home.

I CHOOSE GENTLENESS...
Nothing is won by force. I choose to be gentle. If I raise my voice, may it be only in praise. If I raise my fist, may it be only in prayer. If I make a demand, may it be only of myself.

I CHOOSE SELF-CONTROL...
I am a spiritual being...After this body is dead, my spirit will soar. I refuse to let what will rot, rule the eternal. I choose self-control. I will be drunk only by joy. I will be impassioned only by my faith. I will be influenced only by God. I will be taught only by Christ. I choose self-control.

...To these I commit my day. If I succeed, I will give thanks. If I fail, I will seek grace. And then, when this day is done, I will place my head on my pillow and rest."

The Battle

I walked into the office, signed in as usual, walked out the office door and headed toward my classroom. Before I got to the stairwell, I passed by one of my former students-now a junior. She was smiling as usual and quickly said hello, but soon after she walked by she said, "Hey Mrs. Neiss, did you know I was going to have twins?" I have been doing this job long enough for "was" to be the first word to hit my ears. I was already in my classroom and onto the day's tasks in my mind, but I quickly gave this young girl my undivided attention. "What do you mean by was?" The answer to my question was obvious, but I needed to hear her say it. I needed to see the look in her eyes. "I didn't have a choice" was her response. I stood before her at that moment, not just as a teacher, but also as a mom--someone who has felt life stir inside of her--and as someone who puts her hope and faith in the One who created those little lives. She went on to tell me that her parents wouldn't have it any other way. I spent a few moments listening--without comment or judgment. She had such a juvenile expression on her face--so innocent--like she was simply telling me what she did over the weekend. She ended the conversation by telling my the cadillac of prescriptions she is now on to fight off possible infections and to speed healing. We parted ways and I headed to my classroom stunned. In my seven years teaching in this environment, I've seen a lot. I've seen students die before the diploma even has a chance to reach their hands. I've seen students locked up for life because of one bad choice. I've seen pure anger and hate in 14, 15, 16-year old eyes. This time I sat at my desk and cried and had a quiet funeral in my heart for those two little lives. I stared at all the empty desks and mourned. All of the garbage I have seen and have heard about and have witnessed in my short teaching career came flooding back to me like a nightmare. Then Ephesians 6:12 came to mind: "For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms." I usually spend the twenty minutes or so before homeroom grading papers or going over lessons, but instead I took some time to put on the armor of God. I sat in my empty room and focused on the One who put me there...the One who knows the very hairs on the head of each student that enters my room and every room in that building...

May I never forget that teaching is my secondary purpose.

He's All I Need

I heard a report on the news the other day that a woman's brain actually gets bigger when she has children. Apparently the grey matter increases. This report was made to refute the claim that a woman's mind becomes clouded and forgetful. If you ask me, my brain might have gotten bigger, but all that extra space is used for 3 things: worry, lists, and more worry. If I'm not thinking about my grocery list or to-do list, I am thinking about what I forgot to put on one of those lists. And if I'm not thinking about how much I love Sammy and watching him grow, I am thinking about what he is doing, if he is alright, if he is learning, if I am a good mom, etc, etc, etc. Writing it out and reading it makes me sound crazy, but I know every mom has been there!

In the midst of all of my fears, my lists for daily tasks and future dreams, and the things that keep me up at night, I find myself in a season where I am learning that He is all I need (Though I am aware that should always be my reality, the reality is that it is not!). Since Dave lost his job, money is tighter, priorities have shifted, dreams have changed, perspective is broadened, and above all things, my heart yearns for Him more than it ever has. I may not have everything I want and I may not be in the middle of my own scripted dream, but I do have all that I need...and He's it.

Through a Mother's Eyes...

I anticipated most of the changes in my life after becoming a parent. I anticipated the sleepless nights, the abrupt end to most of my social life, the immense responsibility, the sacrifice on every level, etc. However, I never stopped to think about the subtle affect of motherhood on my everyday perspective. It is nearly impossible to look at a child without thinking of my own. It is nearly impossible to speak to another parent without connecting in some way. And it is especially impossible to teach without thinking about every mother, father, or guardian that is represented by each child that occupies a seat in my classroom. I teach like I would want my son to be taught--not necassirly like the manual says I should. I speak to parents like I want to be spoken to by a teacher one day. More than anything, I have found myself responding to injustice in the school system with a frustration and passion only a mother could have. No teacher for that class because of budget cuts?...what if that were my son? Treated with no respect because he doesn't have all A's in his academic history?...what if that were my son? Set up for failure at the hand of political gain and a modern-day system of segregation and discrimination?...what if that were my son? I can no longer look at students through the lense of some degree or the title "teacher" or some high ideal written in a book or in a piece of legislation.

(con't later--after I wrote the first part in the last 10 minutes of lunch!)

I wish the world could see...I would love to write a book called "Despite" about all of the underdogs who overcame the system, who overcame the statistics, who overcame the sterotypes. I would love even more to include photographs of the injustice. One day maybe...

Until then...I see with a mother's eyes, feel with a mother's heart, and teach with a mother's passion. Many ask, "why do you stay there?" My answer: Esther 4:13

What Now?

The news wasn't good. I sat waiting for him to call or text and say, "you can breathe now," but that didn't happen. His text did read, "not good, babe." My heart sank. I think it sank as far as the ocean is deep. The appointment with the director from his department was at 12:30. By 1:10 he sent a text that he was still waiting. So instead of dwelling on the anxiety, instead of letting my greatest fears overcome, I sat and listened to worship music. I raised my hands in worship--just me in my living room. I sang lines (I use the term "sang" lightly...it was a joyful noise to the Lord anyway! Ha!) like "you give and take away, Lord blessed be your name" and "how great is our God", and within minutes of speaking those words in surrender came the test of whether or not my heart would choose to say--despite bad news--blessed be Your name. I sat on the couch, by myself, and cried after Dave eventually called with the details. For a moment, I just sat with God and allowed myself to feel. For a moment, I thought of all of the plans that will now be diverted and possibly put on hold. For a moment, I thought about this "but God" in our lives. We both had stable careers, but God... We had plans for this year, but God... Dave LOVED that job, but God... And in the midst of this "but God", I found incredible peace. After his meeting, Dave and I met at church to work on putting a new message on the church sign. I sat in the parking lot waiting for him with my sun glasses on hoping to hide how much I had been crying. He pulled up next to me, and smiled--just like he always does. His smile wasn't a mask of denial...it was hope--the hope that Dave always has. I wake up every day and look at him and am reminded of how blessed I am to be married to someone who puts his faith in the One True God and not in the things of this world.

So, I spent the rest of the evening thinking about all the "yet God" moments in our lives (read the previous post of you are confused), one of which we realized was me going back to work. I would have loved to stay home with my Sammy, but God had a different path for me. Now faced with this situation, my job provides a stable income and really good health insurance for our family.

What now, some may ask? Only God knows...and I am really starting to learn to like it that way :) I take joy in this trial because, as James said it best, I know that the testing of our faith develops perseverance AND perseverance must finish its work so that we may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

Yet God...

This week has been eating away at me. Due to the economy and, especially, NYS's looming budget crisis, Dave is in serious danger of loosing his job. I have spent the last week fighting the anxiety that so badly wants to take over my mind, body, and soul. It is probable that we will find out by this afternoon what the status is of his position. So now we just wait, as we have been since the possibility came to light. Though thoughts of what if, what will we, how will we, and what about have been trying to fill my mind, I have turned to the story of David. There have been and there will be times in life when I plan, I purpose, I intend, and then, as Max Lucado put it, there is the "but God". I planned to teach in a quaint suburb, but God had different plans for me. I purposed to have the perfect classroom with all the perfection mapped out in a Harry Wong teaching manual, but God showed me he had another purpose. I intended to be a stay-at-home mom, but God lead me down His path for my life. When God changed the plans David had set for himself, he followed his "but God" with a "yet God". When he wasn't given what he desired, he dwelt on all that God had given him: "Yet the LORD, the God of Israel, chose me from my whole family to be king over Israel forever. He chose Judah as leader, and from the house of Judah he chose my family, and from my father's sons he was pleased to make me king over all Israel." 1 Chron. 28:4 I look back over my life, and I can see a million times I could say "yet God", so why would now be any different? He has lead me down a path I would have never mapped out for myself, and He has shown me that I am capable, through Him, of so much more than I ever thought I could be, and the very same applies to Dave. So, in the midst of another moment in our lives--when things may not go as planned--I have to say "yet God". I write this not knowing what our situation will be just hours from now. Regardless, I know that he has the Neiss' in His hands. Even more, he Has something great for our family to accomplish, and this is just one of those times to bring Him all the glory.

A Bust! Well, by American Standards...

The dishwasher was supposed to go in this oddly blank spot where there are no cupboards. I thought it was a no-brainer! Well...there is a reason that spot is oddly blank. When my dad ripped away the wood to expose what we thought would be a hollow, perfect spot for the Whirlpool, we found an immediate layer of dry wall?! My dad, Dave, and I stood there perplexed wondering why there would be dry wall behind a cupboard? It didn't take us long to realize. You need to know how my kitchen is set up to completely understand the situation, but the basement stairs leading to our finished basement runs behind these cupboards. If my dad would have hacked his way through the dry wall, he would have burst through the wall above the stairwell. Not sure why we didn't previously realize this?! So we now have three choices: buy a portable, remodel the entire kitchen (which we plan to do eventually), or continue doing dishes "the old fashioned way"! Though remodeling the kitchen is a beautiful thought, I know it is not a financially responsible time. So our options have narrowed! This all became irrelevant when I took a moment in the laundry room to sulk over not being able to have a machine wash the food off of my plates and flatware. My sulking was abruptly interrupted with just how materialistic I was being. It just occurred to me, in the midst of almost welling up with tears over this whole thing, that I was allowing living in a society plagued by materialism to consume me. Women all over the world wash their dishes--some in flowing bodies of water--everyday! No, I obviously don't think there is anything wrong with having a dishwasher or any other modern convenience. That is not the point I am making. There are just some moments in life when I realize how much what I desire distracts me from what I have. May I never forget...

This is the prayer of my heart:
"I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want." Phil. 4:11-12

Writing is Therapy...

Sammy is fast asleep and Dave is checking over the dishwasher and skimming the manual before he and my dad install it tomorrow, so I decided to read through all of my previous posts (not difficult--there were only like 6)! I didn't realize how wonderful it would be to be reminded of yesterday's me and realize how far she has come. I started this blog because I was setting out on a new chapter in life, and to look back at who I was and the fears that plagued me...whew! I cried as I recalled those first months of returning to work...the guilt, the fears, the unknown coupled with the memories, the students, the growth. I made it through. Not because of who I am. Not because of anything I've done. I made it because He promises that with Him ALL things are possible. I made it because He promised me that He will never leave me. I made it because of who He is. Period. I think about this last year, and the only thing that comes to mind is His presence. Gosh!...I felt Him near in some of my darkest moments. I felt His presence when I was challenged by some of my toughest students, and I felt His presence when I watched those same students walk across the stage to receive their diplomas. I felt His presence when Sammy woke up with 103 degree fevers and double ear infections, and that same presence was with me when Sammy would hug my leg, look up and say "I uv you!"

I realize, on the grand scheme of things, that leaving my child for a few hours a day (to add: in the care of the most amazing women, while doing a rewarding job that God has called me to, and coming home to an honest and loving husband/father in our awesome house as well as having the love from a zillion family and friends) is not really that traumatic, so some reading what I write may be rolling the eyes. On the other hand, others may think that I am the most heartless and horrible woman for leaving my child for part of the day. Regardless, I am confident that I am right where He would have me to be. And really...on the grand scheme of things...what else matters?

It's Been a LONG Time...

Whoa! Last time I wrote, Sammy was 10 months old. He is almost 20 months old now! I need to be more diligent in keeping up with my blog...haha!

Where do I even begin to update the last 10 months?! Though difficult in its own way, my life seems like a dream right now. I never imagined loving motherhood as much as I do. Though, having an extremely hands-on, supportive, so-in-love-with-his-family hubby doesn't hurt! Sammy is at such a great stage in life...he runs, finds every nook and cranny in his world that he can possibly explore, and is amazed by it all. He finds excitement in every situation. He is genuinely happy (not the fake kind like you get from adults)! He soaks up every moment, repeats every word we say, and has become surprisingly good at communicating: "Poop" when he has pooped, "eat" when he wants to eat, "berry" or "nanna" when he wants some fruit, "Cheerio" when he wants some cereal, "bear" or "dog" when he wants his stuffed animal, "peas", "than you", "i uv you"...the list could go on and on. I never thought I would be so amazed by the simplest things, but as simple as it seems, it is a gift to watch his life unfold. Every day he says something new or discovers something new. He has been such a gift to us. He has taught me to slow down, have patience, and enjoy the ordinary and simple. Some of my greatest moments over the last few months have been in my pajamas, on the floor, covered in dried bananas and snot, laughing hysterically as we knock blocks down over and over again :)

We recently got a bike trailer so we could go on family bike rides. Sammy loves riding! We went for our first ride early last Sunday morning before church, and it was great. The trailer is attached to Dave's bike, so if I got out of Sammy's site, he'd call "mama", and every time Dave went over a bump, Sammy would go "oh no"! I just love that kid :)