What Now?

The news wasn't good. I sat waiting for him to call or text and say, "you can breathe now," but that didn't happen. His text did read, "not good, babe." My heart sank. I think it sank as far as the ocean is deep. The appointment with the director from his department was at 12:30. By 1:10 he sent a text that he was still waiting. So instead of dwelling on the anxiety, instead of letting my greatest fears overcome, I sat and listened to worship music. I raised my hands in worship--just me in my living room. I sang lines (I use the term "sang" lightly...it was a joyful noise to the Lord anyway! Ha!) like "you give and take away, Lord blessed be your name" and "how great is our God", and within minutes of speaking those words in surrender came the test of whether or not my heart would choose to say--despite bad news--blessed be Your name. I sat on the couch, by myself, and cried after Dave eventually called with the details. For a moment, I just sat with God and allowed myself to feel. For a moment, I thought of all of the plans that will now be diverted and possibly put on hold. For a moment, I thought about this "but God" in our lives. We both had stable careers, but God... We had plans for this year, but God... Dave LOVED that job, but God... And in the midst of this "but God", I found incredible peace. After his meeting, Dave and I met at church to work on putting a new message on the church sign. I sat in the parking lot waiting for him with my sun glasses on hoping to hide how much I had been crying. He pulled up next to me, and smiled--just like he always does. His smile wasn't a mask of denial...it was hope--the hope that Dave always has. I wake up every day and look at him and am reminded of how blessed I am to be married to someone who puts his faith in the One True God and not in the things of this world.

So, I spent the rest of the evening thinking about all the "yet God" moments in our lives (read the previous post of you are confused), one of which we realized was me going back to work. I would have loved to stay home with my Sammy, but God had a different path for me. Now faced with this situation, my job provides a stable income and really good health insurance for our family.

What now, some may ask? Only God knows...and I am really starting to learn to like it that way :) I take joy in this trial because, as James said it best, I know that the testing of our faith develops perseverance AND perseverance must finish its work so that we may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.