Through a Mother's Eyes...

I anticipated most of the changes in my life after becoming a parent. I anticipated the sleepless nights, the abrupt end to most of my social life, the immense responsibility, the sacrifice on every level, etc. However, I never stopped to think about the subtle affect of motherhood on my everyday perspective. It is nearly impossible to look at a child without thinking of my own. It is nearly impossible to speak to another parent without connecting in some way. And it is especially impossible to teach without thinking about every mother, father, or guardian that is represented by each child that occupies a seat in my classroom. I teach like I would want my son to be taught--not necassirly like the manual says I should. I speak to parents like I want to be spoken to by a teacher one day. More than anything, I have found myself responding to injustice in the school system with a frustration and passion only a mother could have. No teacher for that class because of budget cuts?...what if that were my son? Treated with no respect because he doesn't have all A's in his academic history?...what if that were my son? Set up for failure at the hand of political gain and a modern-day system of segregation and discrimination?...what if that were my son? I can no longer look at students through the lense of some degree or the title "teacher" or some high ideal written in a book or in a piece of legislation.

(con't later--after I wrote the first part in the last 10 minutes of lunch!)

I wish the world could see...I would love to write a book called "Despite" about all of the underdogs who overcame the system, who overcame the statistics, who overcame the sterotypes. I would love even more to include photographs of the injustice. One day maybe...

Until then...I see with a mother's eyes, feel with a mother's heart, and teach with a mother's passion. Many ask, "why do you stay there?" My answer: Esther 4:13

What Now?

The news wasn't good. I sat waiting for him to call or text and say, "you can breathe now," but that didn't happen. His text did read, "not good, babe." My heart sank. I think it sank as far as the ocean is deep. The appointment with the director from his department was at 12:30. By 1:10 he sent a text that he was still waiting. So instead of dwelling on the anxiety, instead of letting my greatest fears overcome, I sat and listened to worship music. I raised my hands in worship--just me in my living room. I sang lines (I use the term "sang" lightly...it was a joyful noise to the Lord anyway! Ha!) like "you give and take away, Lord blessed be your name" and "how great is our God", and within minutes of speaking those words in surrender came the test of whether or not my heart would choose to say--despite bad news--blessed be Your name. I sat on the couch, by myself, and cried after Dave eventually called with the details. For a moment, I just sat with God and allowed myself to feel. For a moment, I thought of all of the plans that will now be diverted and possibly put on hold. For a moment, I thought about this "but God" in our lives. We both had stable careers, but God... We had plans for this year, but God... Dave LOVED that job, but God... And in the midst of this "but God", I found incredible peace. After his meeting, Dave and I met at church to work on putting a new message on the church sign. I sat in the parking lot waiting for him with my sun glasses on hoping to hide how much I had been crying. He pulled up next to me, and smiled--just like he always does. His smile wasn't a mask of denial...it was hope--the hope that Dave always has. I wake up every day and look at him and am reminded of how blessed I am to be married to someone who puts his faith in the One True God and not in the things of this world.

So, I spent the rest of the evening thinking about all the "yet God" moments in our lives (read the previous post of you are confused), one of which we realized was me going back to work. I would have loved to stay home with my Sammy, but God had a different path for me. Now faced with this situation, my job provides a stable income and really good health insurance for our family.

What now, some may ask? Only God knows...and I am really starting to learn to like it that way :) I take joy in this trial because, as James said it best, I know that the testing of our faith develops perseverance AND perseverance must finish its work so that we may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

Yet God...

This week has been eating away at me. Due to the economy and, especially, NYS's looming budget crisis, Dave is in serious danger of loosing his job. I have spent the last week fighting the anxiety that so badly wants to take over my mind, body, and soul. It is probable that we will find out by this afternoon what the status is of his position. So now we just wait, as we have been since the possibility came to light. Though thoughts of what if, what will we, how will we, and what about have been trying to fill my mind, I have turned to the story of David. There have been and there will be times in life when I plan, I purpose, I intend, and then, as Max Lucado put it, there is the "but God". I planned to teach in a quaint suburb, but God had different plans for me. I purposed to have the perfect classroom with all the perfection mapped out in a Harry Wong teaching manual, but God showed me he had another purpose. I intended to be a stay-at-home mom, but God lead me down His path for my life. When God changed the plans David had set for himself, he followed his "but God" with a "yet God". When he wasn't given what he desired, he dwelt on all that God had given him: "Yet the LORD, the God of Israel, chose me from my whole family to be king over Israel forever. He chose Judah as leader, and from the house of Judah he chose my family, and from my father's sons he was pleased to make me king over all Israel." 1 Chron. 28:4 I look back over my life, and I can see a million times I could say "yet God", so why would now be any different? He has lead me down a path I would have never mapped out for myself, and He has shown me that I am capable, through Him, of so much more than I ever thought I could be, and the very same applies to Dave. So, in the midst of another moment in our lives--when things may not go as planned--I have to say "yet God". I write this not knowing what our situation will be just hours from now. Regardless, I know that he has the Neiss' in His hands. Even more, he Has something great for our family to accomplish, and this is just one of those times to bring Him all the glory.

A Bust! Well, by American Standards...

The dishwasher was supposed to go in this oddly blank spot where there are no cupboards. I thought it was a no-brainer! Well...there is a reason that spot is oddly blank. When my dad ripped away the wood to expose what we thought would be a hollow, perfect spot for the Whirlpool, we found an immediate layer of dry wall?! My dad, Dave, and I stood there perplexed wondering why there would be dry wall behind a cupboard? It didn't take us long to realize. You need to know how my kitchen is set up to completely understand the situation, but the basement stairs leading to our finished basement runs behind these cupboards. If my dad would have hacked his way through the dry wall, he would have burst through the wall above the stairwell. Not sure why we didn't previously realize this?! So we now have three choices: buy a portable, remodel the entire kitchen (which we plan to do eventually), or continue doing dishes "the old fashioned way"! Though remodeling the kitchen is a beautiful thought, I know it is not a financially responsible time. So our options have narrowed! This all became irrelevant when I took a moment in the laundry room to sulk over not being able to have a machine wash the food off of my plates and flatware. My sulking was abruptly interrupted with just how materialistic I was being. It just occurred to me, in the midst of almost welling up with tears over this whole thing, that I was allowing living in a society plagued by materialism to consume me. Women all over the world wash their dishes--some in flowing bodies of water--everyday! No, I obviously don't think there is anything wrong with having a dishwasher or any other modern convenience. That is not the point I am making. There are just some moments in life when I realize how much what I desire distracts me from what I have. May I never forget...

This is the prayer of my heart:
"I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want." Phil. 4:11-12

Writing is Therapy...

Sammy is fast asleep and Dave is checking over the dishwasher and skimming the manual before he and my dad install it tomorrow, so I decided to read through all of my previous posts (not difficult--there were only like 6)! I didn't realize how wonderful it would be to be reminded of yesterday's me and realize how far she has come. I started this blog because I was setting out on a new chapter in life, and to look back at who I was and the fears that plagued me...whew! I cried as I recalled those first months of returning to work...the guilt, the fears, the unknown coupled with the memories, the students, the growth. I made it through. Not because of who I am. Not because of anything I've done. I made it because He promises that with Him ALL things are possible. I made it because He promised me that He will never leave me. I made it because of who He is. Period. I think about this last year, and the only thing that comes to mind is His presence. Gosh!...I felt Him near in some of my darkest moments. I felt His presence when I was challenged by some of my toughest students, and I felt His presence when I watched those same students walk across the stage to receive their diplomas. I felt His presence when Sammy woke up with 103 degree fevers and double ear infections, and that same presence was with me when Sammy would hug my leg, look up and say "I uv you!"

I realize, on the grand scheme of things, that leaving my child for a few hours a day (to add: in the care of the most amazing women, while doing a rewarding job that God has called me to, and coming home to an honest and loving husband/father in our awesome house as well as having the love from a zillion family and friends) is not really that traumatic, so some reading what I write may be rolling the eyes. On the other hand, others may think that I am the most heartless and horrible woman for leaving my child for part of the day. Regardless, I am confident that I am right where He would have me to be. And really...on the grand scheme of things...what else matters?

It's Been a LONG Time...

Whoa! Last time I wrote, Sammy was 10 months old. He is almost 20 months old now! I need to be more diligent in keeping up with my blog...haha!

Where do I even begin to update the last 10 months?! Though difficult in its own way, my life seems like a dream right now. I never imagined loving motherhood as much as I do. Though, having an extremely hands-on, supportive, so-in-love-with-his-family hubby doesn't hurt! Sammy is at such a great stage in life...he runs, finds every nook and cranny in his world that he can possibly explore, and is amazed by it all. He finds excitement in every situation. He is genuinely happy (not the fake kind like you get from adults)! He soaks up every moment, repeats every word we say, and has become surprisingly good at communicating: "Poop" when he has pooped, "eat" when he wants to eat, "berry" or "nanna" when he wants some fruit, "Cheerio" when he wants some cereal, "bear" or "dog" when he wants his stuffed animal, "peas", "than you", "i uv you"...the list could go on and on. I never thought I would be so amazed by the simplest things, but as simple as it seems, it is a gift to watch his life unfold. Every day he says something new or discovers something new. He has been such a gift to us. He has taught me to slow down, have patience, and enjoy the ordinary and simple. Some of my greatest moments over the last few months have been in my pajamas, on the floor, covered in dried bananas and snot, laughing hysterically as we knock blocks down over and over again :)

We recently got a bike trailer so we could go on family bike rides. Sammy loves riding! We went for our first ride early last Sunday morning before church, and it was great. The trailer is attached to Dave's bike, so if I got out of Sammy's site, he'd call "mama", and every time Dave went over a bump, Sammy would go "oh no"! I just love that kid :)

Moments Made for Worshipping

I can't believe I have a 10 month old and I am in the process of thinking about and planning a 1st birthday celebration! Where did the time go?! I vividly remember laughing at the thought of having a child, and now I am forever changed by him entering my life. I occasionally find myself flipping through his photo album (as if he were getting married next week or something!), and I can't help but wonder, as I realize how quickly time passes, will I be able to remember every moment? I was blessed to have a lot of moments this weekend: snuggling with Sammy in bed after his morning bottle, taking him to the farm to pick apples and pumpkins, playing peek-a-boo over and over again, tickling him until he is screaming with laughter...Photographs capture the physical moment, but what captures the feeling? What captures the pure joy of these moments? Though I realize that the day of him growing his own wings and flying away is still a long way off, this first year has been an abrupt realization that the coming years will go just as quickly. I was driving to work this morning, coming off of the high of a long weekend, and feeling miserable about it. Then a song by Steven Curtis Chapman came on the radio called "Moment Made for Worshipping":

6:30 Monday morning
I'm here hiding in my bed
A song plays on my alarm clock
As I cover up my head
And somewhere in the distance
I remember yesterday
Singing "Hallelujah"
Full of wonder, awe and grace
But now I'm just wondering
Why I don't feel anything
At all

CHORUS:
This is a moment made for worshipping
Cause this is a moment I'm alive
And this is a moment I was made to sing
A song of living sacrifice
For every moment that I live and breathe
This is a moment made for worshipping

When I'm praying with my children
As they're running off to school
When I kiss my wife good morning
Just to say I still love you
When I'm feeling loved and happy
When I'm feeling all alone
When I'm failing to remember
All the love that I've been shown
Every single beat of my heart
Is another new place to start
To know

CHORUS

Every single beat of my heart
Is another new place to start
Right now

CHORUS

From the rising of the sun
To the setting the sun
The name of the Lord is worthy to be praised

I love God's perfect timing, It was a reminder that every moment: moments with my son, moments with uncooperative students, moments when I am tried, moments when I get to be with my family, moments when I feel like I am at the top of my game, and moments when I feel like I am as far from God as I can get. They are ALL moments that He has given me to live and glorify who He is despite my situation--whether it is perfect or a complete disaster.