expectation vs. gratitude

I haven't written in a while...I've been pouring my writing efforts into a different project, but tonight, I need to let my heart pour out through my fingers, and I don't have time for my pen to catch up to my brain!

I woke up this Friday morning with a pep in my step. Dave was getting out of work at 3 (2 hours earlier than usual), and we planned to take Sammy to the pet store to get his first pet: a hermit crab (our cat doesn't count to Sammy--he says he is mean! Ha.)  He has been asking for one for a while. He is so intrigued by them, and we thought it would be a low maintenance (and cheap) fun family project! I was excited because he was excited. The day quickly turned sour. One tantrum led to another. One time out led to another. No nap turned into melt down after melt down. I lost my patience. I lost my temper. We both ended up in tears (mine in the bathroom). Needless to say, we don't have a hermit crab...we obviously weren't going to reward his behavior.

I think Shakespeare said that expectation is the root of all heartache. I expected today to be a great Friday. I lost my patience and my temper because my son didn't act the way I expected him to act. I expected to bless my son, and I was hurt that I couldn't do that for him because of the way he was acting.

As a need for independence pairs up with his strong-willed personality, Sammy can be quite a challenge sometimes. I often feel like I am doing everything wrong and that this phase will never end. As I sat in the bathroom to have a moment of peace, I immediately thought about God. How many times have I done the opposite of what He expected? How many times have I disobeyed? How many times has He intended to bless me but I walked the other way? 

And so the glaring realization that I have so much to learn...as a Christ-follower and as a mom. God has used my role as "mama" to expose some of those ugly areas of my life that wouldn't have otherwise been uncovered. So I can only have gratitude that the expected turned into the unexpected--giving me a chance to be honest with myself and with my God. The toughest days eventually bring about the greatest growth...however painful.

And as if my children haven't taught me enough, when I apologized to Sammy for losing my temper, he said, "That's ok mama. I forgive you"...without even thinking twice about it.

Tick Tock

To My Boys...

It is 3:59pm, and since you are both napping, it is silent in our home except for the sounds of the neighborhood streaming in through open windows on this perfectly beautiful day. All I can hear inside our house is the ticking sound of the clock--seconds passing by as quickly they enter. The ticking reminds me that time never stands still, never stops long enough for me to make everything perfect (whatever that looks like). I blinked, and my sweet first-born suddenly became a curious, high energy, animal-loving, dirt-seeking, question-asking, hug-giving, non-stop-talking three and half year old. I blinked again, and my fragile, pink and wrinkly second born with his little stick legs became my super chubby, unbelievably content almost four month old. I feel torn because I long for you to forever be my babies, but I find so much joy in watching you grow and change and learn and become who God intended you to be. You've changed me.

I turn 31 in two days, and I celebrate 10 years of marriage to your amazing daddy next month. I think about who I was 10 years ago, and I don't even recognize who I was--for the good. The truth is, time will keep marching. Sammy...you will all-too-soon be off to Kindergarten, and my Eli, you will eventually be as curious as your big brother and will undoubtedly need me less. Our house will get messier instead of neater. The laundry piles in the basement and dishes in the sink will double. More stains will be added to the carpet. I will step on a hundred more plastic dinosaurs and Mr. Potato Head pieces and will have to bite my tongue a hundred more times before letting an obscenity slip out when this happens! I will have to "shout out" more stains, and more pants with holes will be added to the "for playing outside only" pile. I will definitely be saying "don't put that in your mouth," "what in the world," and "I can't believe you just did that" a thousand more times. More Play Doh will be eaten behind my back and candy hiding places will continue to be discovered.

But more memories will also be made. More laughter will spill from our open windows out into the street. More playgrounds will be climbed on. More sand castles will be built. More dandelions will be called beautiful and picked just for me. We will continue to dig in the dirt in search or worms and potato bugs together. We will write with sidewalk chalk until we're covered in it. We will eat ice cream and licorice. We will read "On Top of Spaghetti" over and over. We will "see" hippos in the creeks we walk along, elephants at the playground, and lions at the grocery store. We will have popcorn at nana's house and help papa with his tools and ride his lawn mower. You will both squeal with delight when it is time to go to church, and you'll light up when you see Lucas, Alicia ("Sheesha"), Megan, Debbie, or any of the several people who love you both and will pour into your lives over the years to come...

...And I will soak in every tick of the second hand because all-too-soon you will be walking along the creek dreaming of tomorrow instead of seeing hippos, you'll be reading history books and solving math equations at the dining room table instead of begging me to read a colorful and catchy picture book, and you'll be picking a wild flower bouquet for some sweet girl that you've fallen in love with instead of picking beautiful weeds for me!

Growing Pains...

21 Days of Prayer for Sons Challenge

I have been participating in the 21 Days of Prayer for Sons Challenge. I started this anticipating that it would be a nice thing to do for the boys, but I wasn't prepared for how much it would change me. Reading the book and the blog, writing out the verses for each day with the boys' names inserted, going through the study questions--it has all rocked my world and has greatly impacted how I see myself as a mom--especially a mom of boys. It has exposed so many areas where I have missed the mark and has revealed to me how much I really try to do everything by my own power and under my own control. God is using this challenge to show me how much I need to grow as a mom, and it is painful--in a good way.

Ann Voskamp said, "A mother's labor and delivery never ends and for years she just has to remember to take a deep breath.Whole battles can be won by one breath and a prayer at a time." The way my children have taken a hold of my heart often takes my breath away. The immense joy and unconditional love paired with the feelings of worry and (sometimes) guilt really does feel like the highs and lows of giving birth over and over again. And in the midst of raising two boys into men, God is raising me into a mother, and the growing process can be painful at times. My sons have been a magnifying glass for my soul--exposing my greatest strengths and, even more so, my greatest weaknesses.

I am learning to breath deeply and to pray like I have never prayed before. I pray for my sons, that they would be men of honor and integrity--that their hearts would beat passionately for the God who numbered the hairs on their heads, and that they would have hearts that are pure and willing to serve the needs of others. And I pray that I would be a mother who lives in such a way that honors Christ and points her children in His direction.

Jason Upton sings "No Sacrifice," and I never thought of the lyrics in regard to my kids, but God is showing me--really showing me--what it means to completely surrender to Him, and that means giving up the control I try to hold on to as a mom. My boys are His-past, present, and future. Period.

No Sacrifice -- Jason Upton

More Abundantly...

I'm not a very good blogger. I know this. I write sporadically and inconsistently. Even though one of my greatest passions is writing, I find it really difficult to keep up on here. I do, however, keep up with writing in "old-fashioned" journals. (I have a couple different ones going--one for the boys, one for things God is teaching me, etc.) There is something about reading back over my own physical writing, as if my handwriting is a part of retelling the stories that were written. It seems that the curve of my "s" or the color of my pen will somehow give deeper clues about what I was feeling when I wrote the words. (I am one of those people, too, who is resistant to buying a Kindle or Nook because I love the feel of a real book in my hands--being able to write in the margins and highlight profound and impressionable passages. I love the conveniences of technology but equally loathe how it has stripped many simplicities of life, but I digress!)

In the middle of reading One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp, I started my own gift list. In writing down some things for today's list, I went back and read what I wrote on the very first pages of the leather bound journal my dear friend Alicia bought for me. Here is the entry from February 25, 2012:

Today-this morning-was rough. Sam (age 3) was whiny and ready to melt down at every chance. Eli (one month) decided to fight sleep. Sammy peed all over the couch while Eli was screaming. My response? I burst into tears. I tried to hide it from Sammy, but he's a pretty sharp kid and he quickly asked, "Mama, are you crying because I peed?" At that moment, I knew I needed to change. I knew I wanted more for my kids--for myself--than them having a mother who turned every difficult moment into fear, anxiety, or a reason to worry. I was, at that moment, overcome with motherhood (especially my toddler having a difficult time adjusting to the new baby), but I was also tired of living in a pessimistic, over-analytical, self-reliant, controlling shell of a person. I want to live fully in Christ so my children will know what it means to have life more abundantly.


The following pages contain my "gift list"--those moments, experiences, people, and things that are gifts from the Father. In creating this list of 1,000+ gifts, I desire a heart transformation and a greater, deeper communion with the One who first loved me.

And so began a journey toward complete surrender, daily gratitude, and deep communion with a God I have longed to know--to really know. Over the last two months, I have been changed, and similar to gutting an old house, I kind of feel like I am stripped down to the studs at the moment--everything exposed--no hiding the termites that are trying to destroy the walls of my heart. Even though it is painful, it is a great place to be. I am excited about where God is taking me--where he is taking my family--wherever that may be.

A sample of my gift list:
1. Fresh air streaming through open windows on a first spring-like day.
2. Newborn smiles
4. Sammy crawling into our bed and, still sleepy, searching for my hair to twist while he sleeps.
7. Eli's long eye lashes
23. Unprompted "I love you" from Sam
28. The beginning of a dream and excitement about where this dream may lead.

So Final.

My friend Kristen sent me a text yesterday. A young girl is pregnant and in need. Kristen was asking if we would be able to give away some baby things since Dave and I are done having kids (something we've made clear!). I was all for it! I always knew when we were done that I wanted to give it all away to bless someone as much as we have been blessed. Dave sent me a cautionary text: "Are you sure you're ready to give it all away? It seems so final." I hadn't really thought about anything except for the fact that we knew--after bringing home Eli--that we were done--for several reasons.

This morning I have been organizing things in Eli's room in an effort to find matching shirts that I bought the boys long before Eli was born!! I started looking around and thought about just giving it all away. Dave was right...it was so final. Part of me enjoys the quiet feedings at 3 am, even though I'm pretty sure the exhaustion at that hour must be similar to being drunk or intoxicated! Haha! I look at the pictures we have hanging all over the house and realize these two little faces that are part me and part Dave are concrete proof of well over a decade of love that only God could have created. They are a legacy of a friendship turned romance turned partners in raising a family that will hopefully light the world on fire for Christ. Are we ready to close the curtain? My brain emphatically says YES! I think my heart will always wonder WHAT IF...Hopefully the two can come to a consensus some time soon!

True Confessions of a Mom

When I was in college, in mid-western Springfield, Missouri, my floor-mates and I would entertain ourselves by playing a game of "True Confessions". We would sit in a circle on one of our door room floors and each write a few probing questions on slips of paper. We would then take turns answering these questions--some silly, some serious, some down right ridiculous--all in an effort to not only amuse ourselves, but to also get to know one another on a deeper level. I sometimes miss living in those days of complete transparency.

A friend of mine brought lunch over last week, and we got on a discussion about motherhood. We began talking about the sometimes challenging moments of raising a toddler--especially those moments in public when all you want to do is run and hide when your child decides to become a monster right before your eyes--and right before the eyes of everyone in Target! This discussion got me thinking: if every mom has these moments, why aren't we more supportive of one another and transparent with one another? Instead, we stare, we judge, we accuse, and we assume.

So...after reading the words of Ann Voskamp this morning, I have been inspired to confess some of the reasons why my home isn't perfect and why I am not the perfect mom:

1.  I rarely fold laundry (with the exception of kid clothes because they are so tiny and so easy to lose track of). It is sorted in baskets in the laundry room. It is clean. But, I confess, it hardly ever gets folded. We dig for what we want to wear. We "fluff" it in the drier to get the wrinkles out (or sometimes iron in extreme cases).
2. I dust when it is visible...usually when I walk into a room and the sun hits the bookshelf just right--that is when I dust.
3. My 3 yr. old goes to bed without brushing his teeth sometimes. If he is having a rough night or it is late, it gets forgotten. (This one makes me feel pretty guilty, I admit).
4. I confess that one time, while at the zoo, Sammy went through so many diapers that I ran out and had to put a used one (pee only) back on him until we got home.
5. My over 3 yr. old still isn't fully potty trained. I include this on the list because there seems to be a race among moms over who can get their kid potty trained at the youngest age. My son knows all the letters, their sounds, can read a few words, knows his colors, yada, yada, yada, but he won't poop on the potty. Big deal. He'll get it when he is ready just like all kids will know their letters and colors at some point. Development isn't a race.
6. I feed my son pizza once a week probably (store bought or homemade). He is pretty picky these days...I need one meal without a battle.
7. I often forget to wipe down the booster seat after dinner. It is usually caked with yogurt or sauce for a couple days until I realize how messy it really is.
8. Sometimes there are so many goldfish (or other cracker variety) scattered inside the car (even though I swore I would never let my kids eat in the car--haha.) that I will catch Sammy snacking on an old treat. Sigh.

The list could go on, but I should probably end here. My point is, no mom is perfect and very few homes--at least the ones where kids are being raised and loved on--look like a carbon copy of some magazine spread or department store showroom. I do know that I love my kids with a love that overflows and makes me weepy and happy and in awe of the God who thought it right and good to put two little boys in my care.

True Confessions?...

Twenty years from now, I want my kids to have learned how to love others--their friends, their wives, their children, strangers--because they first saw it reflected in me and Dave. They won't remember the crumbs. They won't remember the unfolded laundry. They will remember the love.

 "Sin is what happens when our love gets disordered. And it’s never worth disordering the heart to get a right-ordered house...How is my love ordered? Towards a Better Homes and Gardens House? Or a better, holy, godly heart?...A right-ordered house isn’t virtuous like a right-ordered heart" -Voskamp

"We love because He first loved us." 1 John 4:19

A Strong Woman and a Thankful Heart

It is unfortunate that you have to wait until you're an adult (and to possibly have children of your own) before you realize the true value of your parents. I take immense pride in my parents because they didn't raise us on good breeding, social status, or a fine inheritance. They are two people, without college educations (barely high school diplomas), who have provided for our family from the ground up. At one point, when I was in high school, I remember my mom working three jobs to make ends meet, and my dad has always worked the dreaded night shift. BUT...they were involved in every concert, dance recital, youth retreat, birthday party, graduation, and they continue to do the same for their grandchildren (even more so!). They weren't raised in the church, either. They were "saved" after my sister was born, and so their parenting style was strict because they knew, first hand, what temptations were waiting around every corner for us. I didn't appreciate it then, but as I look back, I realize all the harm my parents kept me from.

In recent years, my mother's health has deteriorated. She had a stroke a few years back, followed by cancer, serious pneumonia that put her in the hospital for almost a week, as well as numerous other medical complications that have resulted from all of these events. Her lungs are scanned periodically for cancer, and her brain is checked regularly for signs of another stroke. It isn't easy to sit by and watch your parents age. I've always, always, always looked forward to my parents as grandparents because I didn't really have involved grandparents. My parents, as strict as they were as parents, are anything but as grandparents. Sammy gets ice cream, cookies, candy, movies, toys...you name the thing that parents generally say "no" to, and my parents provide it! My mom has lost about 35 pounds in the last two months or so. Normally, this would be something to rejoice over--my mom has struggled with her weight all of her life. However, this weight loss is because of the overwhelming stress of her job. My dad is months away from retirement, and my mom is still two years away; however, her doctor told her that if she doesn't leave this job, she will most definitely have a heart attack. So, with faith, my mother put in her resignation this week, and she will start a new job in December. She is taking a 50% pay cut with this job, but it will be a job that will probably save her life.

It is interesting being on this side of life. I appreciate that my parents never hide every single problem from us. We saw them fight. We saw them struggle financially. We watched them prosper, and we've watched as they have gotten older and had to make difficult choices. I thank God that He continues to prove that He is in control. I thank God for parents who put their faith in a God who sees the whole picture. I pray He continues to keep them, and I pray he blesses this incredibly strong mother of mine. My mother is a feisty combination of tell-it-like-it-is and complete love, and I never really appreciated that until recently.

And so...as Thanksgiving approaches, I will end this post with an attempt to list some of the things that leave me speechless.

I am GRATEFUL for...

1. Parents who I still learn from and respect, yet I feel at this point in my life are "friends"
2. An older sister--and best friend--who is a constant example of humility and strength
3. A husband whose heart is so big, it may jump out of his chest! I thank God that, despite all that Dave has been through in his life, he has a heart that is modeled after the heart of Christ. I learn from him every day.
4. My (almost) two children :) God has used them to teach me more than I will ever be able to teach them. God has used motherhood to reveal a lot of Himself and a lot of who I am and who I should strive to be. I am proud of my family, and I am excited about raising two courageous men :)
5. My mother-in-law...the kindest, sweetest, most loving, most forgiving woman you will ever meet. She makes Mother Theresa look like an average Joe! Haha!
6. My job...I am blessed, though some days are really hard, to work in a place that gives me so much joy in the midst of many storms. Even on the most difficult days, I am able to see what God sees in some of the most hate-filled, angry, broken teenagers you've ever met. It is a miracle to look into a teen's eyes--one who has seen death, murder, abandonment, abuse--and see what God sees. God has really shown me His ability to move in the darkest situations. You really lose all sense of inward thinking when you work in an environment that has so much need. It has really changed my life--though the daily grind can sometimes be challenging.
7. For a Savior who continues to bring me through valley and mountain-top experiences--I thank God that He has brought me to a point in life where I've realized that it has nothing to do with where I am, who I am with, or what I am doing. It has to do with Him--wherever I go, whatever I do, whomever I am with--am I drawing people to His glory?!

Happy Thanksgiving!