Moments Made for Worshipping

I can't believe I have a 10 month old and I am in the process of thinking about and planning a 1st birthday celebration! Where did the time go?! I vividly remember laughing at the thought of having a child, and now I am forever changed by him entering my life. I occasionally find myself flipping through his photo album (as if he were getting married next week or something!), and I can't help but wonder, as I realize how quickly time passes, will I be able to remember every moment? I was blessed to have a lot of moments this weekend: snuggling with Sammy in bed after his morning bottle, taking him to the farm to pick apples and pumpkins, playing peek-a-boo over and over again, tickling him until he is screaming with laughter...Photographs capture the physical moment, but what captures the feeling? What captures the pure joy of these moments? Though I realize that the day of him growing his own wings and flying away is still a long way off, this first year has been an abrupt realization that the coming years will go just as quickly. I was driving to work this morning, coming off of the high of a long weekend, and feeling miserable about it. Then a song by Steven Curtis Chapman came on the radio called "Moment Made for Worshipping":

6:30 Monday morning
I'm here hiding in my bed
A song plays on my alarm clock
As I cover up my head
And somewhere in the distance
I remember yesterday
Singing "Hallelujah"
Full of wonder, awe and grace
But now I'm just wondering
Why I don't feel anything
At all

CHORUS:
This is a moment made for worshipping
Cause this is a moment I'm alive
And this is a moment I was made to sing
A song of living sacrifice
For every moment that I live and breathe
This is a moment made for worshipping

When I'm praying with my children
As they're running off to school
When I kiss my wife good morning
Just to say I still love you
When I'm feeling loved and happy
When I'm feeling all alone
When I'm failing to remember
All the love that I've been shown
Every single beat of my heart
Is another new place to start
To know

CHORUS

Every single beat of my heart
Is another new place to start
Right now

CHORUS

From the rising of the sun
To the setting the sun
The name of the Lord is worthy to be praised

I love God's perfect timing, It was a reminder that every moment: moments with my son, moments with uncooperative students, moments when I am tried, moments when I get to be with my family, moments when I feel like I am at the top of my game, and moments when I feel like I am as far from God as I can get. They are ALL moments that He has given me to live and glorify who He is despite my situation--whether it is perfect or a complete disaster.

That's Why...

Friday started out like a Monday! Sammy woke up a couple of times the night before--battling a cold and teething all at once. As a result of his massive drool factory, he had a rash on either side of his mouth. I had a harder-than-usual time leaving him that morning. I was overwhelmed with the tough time he was having, and I was overwhelmed by life in general (the details are meaningless at this point). I got to school, and went to my first class. My usually "easy" class was difficult. The students were moody...ok, they were down right nasty and defiant. "In school suspension", which is one of my lovely duties, was packed with 30+ students, and the they were taking all of their hate for the world and their situations out on me (and the other teacher with me). AND my usually "difficult" class was even more difficult than usual!....

Then came a divine appointment. A meeting between God and me by way of an essay. I am amazed by the power of God. He knew what my next question would be even before I had time to ask it. In the midst of the chaos, he told me why....

I've been working with a group of students every year since they were freshmen. Now they are seniors. I've watched them struggle and fight through illiteracy and stereotypes and everything in between. This particular group was given an assignment at the beginning of the week: write a college application essay. Students who never dreamed of going to college four years ago were now faced with a task...dream about the future, sell yourself, show how you're unique. Without any prompting, one of my students embraced the task. Four years ago, I would have needed to "hold his hand" and practically write the essay for him. Four years ago, he would have dragged his feet and told me over and over again, "I don't know what to write about. I can't do it." Friday, I was handed a completed essay. One I never helped with or had to beg for. I wanted to share the introduction to this essay (as it was written--no editing):

"I was raised by a single mom and I never really knew my dad. Maybe I saw my dad once but since I can't remember I don't think it counts for much. I guess I can't write this essay like I am a big hero because I am really not. But I was thinking and I was dreaming that if I went to college maybe I could be some kind of hero. I'm not saying that college would make me a famous hero like President Obama or the Patriot's wide receiver Randy Moss. Do you know what kind of hero I'd like to be? I'd like to be a hero who is a regular dad, who stays with his kids, works at a job, and just tries to make a good life for his good family."

Gosh...after a day filled with moments that made me question, "God, God, why here, why now?," He met me before I even asked for the appointment..."that's why." This student and all those who will follow who dream of a better life, a better opportunity..."they are why." A lot of my students will never make it to college, and some won't make it out of high school. I will probably never have the satisfaction of running into a student some years down the line who has amazing stories of becoming a professional in some impressive field. But I do get to love kids for a living. I get to love kids who may not know what it means to love or to be happy. I get to be light in the darkness. I pray that one day that is what Sammy sees in me. Not that I simply "went back to work," but that I went back to serve...to love those who are difficult to love, to guide those who would rather be lost, and to teach those who have often been forgotten.

Reality Check

I am sitting here eating lunch looking at pictures of my handsome little man, and I am reminded of how blessed I am as a woman, as a mother, as a human being. I was given a much needed reality check recently from a very dear friend--a divine appointment that I believe God set up to help me through this time and remind this pessimist how powerful He is!



My dear friend Alicia recently took a trip to do some missions work in Uganda. She saw things I imagine most of us will never see. Among these images were stories of children, small children, made to be soilders. Children with no childhood, children trained to kill, children forced to kill those they love, children abused in every way imaginable. She came back changed, and she looked at me in the midst of my pity party and said something that has been a true reality check: "you don't know how blessed Sammy is." I've spent the last weeks in sellf-pity mode...feeling temendous guilt over my return to work, knowing full well that I am not the first "working mom" on the planet. I'm no longer able to spend 24/7 with my son, but despite that, he has been given more in his 9 months of life than a large number of children around the world will ever see. He has two parents who are partners in life and in raising him--he was created in love and hears "I love you" at least 50 times a day. He has an extended family of grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins who think the world of him. He has a church family who will be part of guiding his future--a group of people who shower him with constant love and prayer. More than all of this, he will grow up knowing the saving knowledge of Jesus Christ. I don't know why my son has been given all he has while children a world away are forced to live in fear and poverty. I do know that I will spend the next months and years trying to teach him how to love and give and pray. So as I look into my son's eyes, may I see in him all the children who have lost their childhood, the children who are forced to kill, and the children who have never heard their mothers whisper "I love you." Perhaps one day Sammy will travel the world to share Jesus with these children. I am indeed blessed, and so is my child.

If I Could Tell You...

I've been keeping a journal since my 5th month or so of pregnancy. I write in it here and there, as if I am talking to Sammy...what I would say to him or would want him to know. It is my hope that he can someday read it and know what I was feeling and thinking along the way. Just thought I would share today's entry with you:

"I haven't written in a while because you've kept me pretty busy! Over the months, you have grown right before our eyes. We've watched you change and develop a personality. It has been the most amazing experience. Now, you are crawling and pulling up on things, and in the coming weeks, you'll take your first steps. I've been home with you this whole time, and tomorrow I return to my job. I know you don't understand right now, and I know you'll be fine, but my heart is breaking into a million pieces. I haven't been away from you except for a couple of hours at a time since you were born. If I could tell you, I'd want you to know how much I love you. We've been reading the book "Guess How Much I Love You" and Big Nutbrown Hare tells little Nutbrown Hare that he loves him all the way to the moon and back. Well, I love you even more than that--I hope someday you'll understand how much. My heart aches over the thought of leaving you, but I know you'll be fine. You're already strong and independent. Even more, I know God has His hand on you. While I'm at work, I'm helping kids who have a hard time learning and have a hard time with life. I'm sharing my love with them--the love Jesus has for them. Please don't ever think I am taking love from you! I'll be thinking of you every minute. Never forget how much I love you--all the way to the moon and back...a million times!"

Day One

I carried my little guy for 9 months, and I was able to have him all to myself for another 9 months. Today I had to let go a little bit. I cried the whole way to our sitter's house. When we got there, we brought him in and she took him right out of his car seat. She let him down, and he crawled right into the group of kids in the living room. The older ones greeted him, and he smiled from ear to ear. We went to say good bye, and he was in all of his glory...without me. Not a tear, not a whine, not a second thought. I know I should be grateful that I have been blessed with such an easy-going, content, and independent little boy, but a part of me wanted him to reach out for me! We were out the door as fast as we were in, and I cried all the way to school. I just called to check up on him, and Marie told me that "he is perfect." He is following his schedule beautifully, eating and sleeping well, and having so much fun with all of the kids. She went on about what a happy and content child he is. He sat in circle time with all of the kids (in a stroller), and she said he listened intently and watched and laughed. She looked at him at one point and said, "Sammy, are you having a good time?" and he shook his head "no" with a big smile on his face (his newest favorite thing to do)! Part of me hurts knowing that he is doing so well without me, but I am so thankful that he is playing and learning and safe. This whole situation is a testimony of God's faithfulness and provision. I could go on and on about how perfectly orchestrated the process has been. It was inevitable that I would be going back to work for a variety of reasons, and as difficult as it has been, He has brought calm in the midst of my storm.

“This is what the LORD says— your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel: "I am the LORD your God, who teaches you what is best for you, who directs you in the way you should go.”- Isaiah 48:17

Despite my own thoughts, the thoughts of others, or what society dictates, He knows what I need, He knows what Sammy needs, and He knows what is best for my family. He has clearly been directing my steps. The hardest part is learning to let Him lead...

Dr. Seuss isn't just for kids...

Dr. Seuss said it best, "Step with care and great tact and remember that Life's a Great Balancing Act." This line from Oh, the Places You'll Go! is the inspiration for this blog. A week from today, I return to my teaching position, and so the great balancing act begins. So many fears fill my mind and my heart, and this blog is a way for me to express the ups and downs of this very new chapter in my life.